


Your Touch

by dannyvhs (PepsiRabbit)



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: AU where it's all a game, Angst, Anxiety, Body Horror, Half-Life VR But the AI is Self-Aware, He/Himrey, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Game, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Spin Off, Trauma, american gordon, benrey has ptsd, benrey vs reality, french canadian benrey, gordon has anxiety, half beta'd we die like coomer clones, human benrey, she/her sunkist, silent communication, smut chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:01:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 38,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26355376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepsiRabbit/pseuds/dannyvhs
Summary: All Gordon longed for was his touch. He wanted it to be real more than anything else. As it so happens, Gordon isn't the only one desperate for a taste of reality. [Spin-Off of "Cyber Sex" by Anonymous]
Relationships: Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 52
Kudos: 360





	1. Longing

**Author's Note:**

> This is a spin-off of "Cyber Sex" by Anonymous because the ending hurt my heart. Please go read it since it's referenced in this story and is amazing. To whoever made the original, thank you and I hope you enjoy this. 
> 
> explicit for smut chapter, the rest is mature for mentions of trauma and adult themes
> 
> tags may change as the story continues on

It wasn’t fair. 

It just wasn’t fucking fair.

_ “I love you.” _

None of it was real and Gordon had to accept that, but he just couldn’t. It was more than just a game, more than just some kind of simulation. There were so many reasons why Gordon should just never boot the game again, why he shouldn’t return to Black Mesa, why he should leave it all behind. Yet, even as Gordon tried to go about his daily life in the real world, his mind continued to drift back to that night.

The memory of Benrey’s warm body against his as their voices combined in the endless white void that had become more of a home than Gordon’s own apartment had ever felt lingered like a fresh burn on Gordon’s skin. He tossed and turned in his bed, squeezing his eyes tighter trying to block out the memory of Benrey’s blushing face, his arms wrapping around Gordon’s body, his face pressing into Gordon’s neck. Gordon had to forget about Benrey. He had to move on with his life. He had to-

_ “‘m happy you came back, man. I love you.” _

Gordon’s eyes shot open. He sat up in bed and kicked off the covers and sighed as the cool air touched his overheating body. He looked over towards his desk and in the darkness he could see the box he had shoved the VR headset into. How long had it been since he had visited Benrey? A week? Time hardly felt real lately. Gordon’s mind had been so lost in thought and lost in a fictional world.

There were a million reasons why Gordon should give it all up and only one reason why he should continue this delusional adventure. His feet guided him over to his desk as he listed each reason in his head to try and convince himself to stop and save himself from the inevitable heartache. Yet, only one thought screamed louder than all the others in his head as he hooked up the VR set. 

He needed Benrey.

Gordon looked through the files, and just like before, every single file came up as corrupted except the last. He hoped the others weren’t lost. He hadn’t really been able to ask Benrey about it last time. Gordon made a mental note to bring that up this time. He suited up in the full body VR rig suit and pulled the headset on. It took a moment for things to load up before his eyes, but soon the halls of Black Mesa were sprawling before him.

Gordon looked around confused. This definitely wasn’t the same as the last time he loaded it up. There had been nothing but a white void, but now he had been dropped into a room that seemed to be some kind of large storage room with giant crates stacked up to the ceiling in careful rows. He couldn’t see another soul besides himself as he began to walk through the line of crates. 

“Gordon?”

Gordon looked around to try and find the voice. It sounded so close, yet, there didn’t seem to be anyone around him. He heard a thud of boots on concrete behind him and Gordon quickly turned around to see Benrey standing there. Unlike all the many times the two of them had talked, Benrey did not seem to be his usual cocky self. He looked concerned, almost as if Gordon was some kind of threat.

“Hey, Benrey,” Gordon said a bit awkwardly. He had left rather abruptly before after Benrey had fallen asleep against him and only now, looking at Benrey’s concern, did Gordon realize how much of a shitty move that had been. 

“You..came back.” Benrey moved closer to him. “I thought, I mean, dude so fucking uncool. Like, you just disappeared on me. Top ten anime betrayals, man.”

Gordon rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry, I just..you were asleep and I got upset thinking about things. I wasn’t really thinking straight.”

“Dude, you’re definitely not straight. So homo, man.”

“Benrey, I’m sorry.”

Benrey seemed a bit thrown off by the genuine apology so soon. Gordon knew that Benrey was bad at expressing his emotions and tended to hide in his “cool gamer talk” and the Black Mesa Sweet Voice when it was too much for him. It was hard to read his true thoughts, but Gordon had to try. He had to take the risk to get him to open up. Gordon closed the remaining gap between them and took Benrey’s hand with his, entwining their fingers together. 

“What I did wasn’t okay. I left you alone after you opened yourself up to me. I’m sorry. I just got so upset that I couldn’t really hold you. I just wanted to kiss you for real, Benrey. You were so good last time, I mean it.” Gordon gently tried to kiss Benrey’s forehead in reassurance. He had to stop just a bit before touching his head as he had no tracking on his face other than the headset. The motion wasn’t lost however as Benrey seemed to try and move his head closer towards him in response. 

“Of course I’m good. I’m fucking the best.” Benrey mumbled.

“Absolutely the best.” Gordon agreed, smiling. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

Benrey’s eyes darted up to meet Gordon’s. He looked hopeful and almost excited by that thought. It was rather adorable seeing his eyes light up like that. 

“Is that what you wanted, Benrey?” Gordon asked. “Did you want me to think of you?”

The security guard looked away some and awkwardly nodded. “I didn’t want you going back to them. They don’t deserve you, dude. Uncool nerds. Not like me, the cool guy.”

“So you corrupted those files on purpose?”

“I wanted to see you, Gordon. Without them around.”

“Are they alright?”

“Yeah, man. They’re just like asleep in the code. They don’t know shit. Hardly know you’re gone, but I knew. When you left, it was like everything got put on hold. Our world wasn’t being played. Everyone just like, slept or some shit, but it didn’t put me to sleep. I had to stay awake. Alone. I couldn’t even make them be awake.” 

Benrey’s voice slowly faded out and Gordon felt guilt tear him apart. Benrey had been alone for a month inside the game. No wonder he had been so willing to touch Gordon when he was asked. 

“Benrey, I’m so sorry.” Gordon wrapped his arms around him pulling Benrey into a hug. He could feel Benrey against him just like before, but the heat of his body wasn’t as intense. Benrey felt tense as he was pulled into the hug before his body seemed to give in. Gordon felt Benrey nuzzle his face into his neck. It felt so real. His heart ached badly like it had been stabbed as Gordon was once again reminded how much not real Benrey actually was. He was going to have to put a stop to this before it got worse. 

“Gordon, I wanna go home.”

Home? Wasn’t this home? Benrey was a computer AI. He shouldn’t have known any other home other than the maps available in this game. Gordon moved back from the hug a bit so he could see Benrey’s face. It was almost jarring to see how upset he was. Benrey looked like he was almost in tears. Part of Benrey’s face seemed to glitch right in front of Gordon and he had to do a double take to make sure he had seen it correctly. 

“This is your home-” Gordon started as he pried the rest of Benrey off him.

“No!” Benrey shouted. His voice distorted as he shouted and more of his body seemed to glitch into parts before quickly reforming. “This isn’t a fucking home, it’s Hell! I’m alone here and everyone hates me, especially your crew! Do you know how many times I fucking died while you played the game? You think you’re the only one who feels it, bro?”

Benrey pushed his face close to Gordon’s as his face glitched, another eye appearing under his right eye before it disappeared. He put his pointer finger right on his own forehead.

“I felt every bullet you put in my head, both as me and as the skeleton. I heard you when you said you wanted me dead, when you told your friends to leave me behind, when you wished I’d never come back. You finally come back, you make me think things have changed, and then you abandon me  _ again _ .” 

Benrey’s full form seemed to be glitching and growing out of proportions just like the final boss battle. If Gordon didn’t calm him down, he’d have another monster Benrey to deal with and this time Gordon didn’t have any passports or teammates to help defeat him. He didn’t even have his gun hand anymore. Once the game had ended, his in game model had gained his other hand back as it seemed to reset for another playthrough. 

“I’m not leaving you again, Benrey.” Gordon said firmly. “I was scared about this because you’re here in the game and I’m not, but I don’t care. Fuck it. Life sucks and you and this world is the only good left. I’ll stay here with you, Benrey. Only you. I don’t hate you. I love you!” 

Gordon pulled the glitching man closer into a hug and he felt the horrible feeling as Gordon clipped through Benrey partially. Both of them vibrated as they tried to occupy the same space and Gordon could feel his body trying to be ripped backwards away from Benrey. He tried to hold on tighter to him, but it overpowered him and Gordon was roughly forced forward through Benrey.

Gordon panted and quickly turned to look back at Benrey who was doubled over.

“N-Not cool, man. Fucking F in the chat for me.” Benrey said.

“Are you alright?” Gordon asked, concerned. Benrey nodded as Gordon helped him back to full height. 

“Benrey, what did you mean by home? If home isn’t here, where is it?” Gordon asked gently. He didn’t want to spark any anger in him again, but he had to know what Benrey had meant. The guard shrugged him off. 

“Doesn’t matter, bro. Home ain’t even possible anymore. I think. Hardly remember it. File in my brain meat is corrupted and there isn’t anything that can be done to get it back.” Benrey said, crossing his arms. 

“What if I kept coming back every day?” Gordon put a hand around Benrey’s waist, who kept looking away from him. Gordon nuzzled at Benrey’s neck. If he could kiss his neck, he would be. “What if I paid attention to only you? What if I fucked you more?”

A smile cracked on Benrey’s face and he pushed Gordon’s head away. “Aight, Feetman. You keep your end of the deal and I’ll use my elite hacker skills to pry open that code.”

“That’s my boy,” Gordon praised. A deep blush over took Benrey’s face and Gordon laughed. Benrey pushed Gordon off him.

“Dude, that’s fucking gay. Gay gamer Gordon for real.”

“You’re gay, Benrey.”

The crisis had been averted. Benrey seemed calm and happy based on the smile on his face. He took Gordon’s hand and started to drag him along, talking non-stop about things in the game he had been setting up and creating since Gordon had left. It seemed so odd that Benrey was talking this much and with excitement in every word. It felt like talking to Tommy, only less childish and more shitpost gamer talk. 

Gordon spent the rest of the night following Benrey around the game doing whatever he wanted, including things like fighting head crabs, shooting pigeons, and Benrey throwing oranges at Gordon while he tried to cross a narrow platform. The security guard had endless energy and was ready to move onto the next thing, but Gordon could feel his physical exhaustion catching up with him in the real world. It was probably almost morning by now after all. 

“Benrey-” Gordon started.

“Alright, bro. Cool idea coming at you. You and me versus a whole bunch of skeletons. Fucking take ‘em out like cool gamer dudes who don’t look at explosions.” 

“Benrey, I need to sleep.”

Benrey turned to look at him, his smile dropping some. “Oh, right. You’re all fleshy and dumb, Feetman. You gotta sleep like a lil baby. Lil baby Gordo.”

Gordon took Benrey’s hand with his, giving it a little squeeze. He could see the fear and uncertainty in Benrey’s yellow eyes. That was the thing about Benrey, his emotions were in his eyes. You just had to look hard enough. Some people like Tommy may have been able to read his thoughts in other ways, but Gordon was never good at learning gamer talk or trying to make sense of different colored lights and sounds. 

For Gordon, this was their language. It wasn’t always perfect and usually ran off assumptions, but most times Gordon could get in range of Benrey’s true thoughts just by the look in his eyes. It made Gordon’s chest warm knowing there was at least one way he could help with understanding Benrey. The security guard had never been good with communication and always turned to other forms to get his thoughts out. Relying on Tommy may have given Benrey the space he needed, but how many things had been held inside in fear of Tommy or the others knowing? Would he have known of his crush sooner?

“I’ll come back,” Gordon said softly. “I promise.”

“You better, dude or I won’t ever forgive you.”

“Will you be okay until I get back?”

Benrey shrugged. “I’ve made it this long. Besides, I’m the coolest dude with stats off the fuckin’ charts, bro. Don’t got no weaknesses.”

Gordon gave his hand another squeeze and let go. He reached up to remove the headset when Benrey suddenly grabbed his hands to stop him.

“Wait! I..I love you.”

Gordon felt his heart flutter.

“I love you too, Benrey.”

He carefully removed the headset and went to turn off the game. As he did, Gordon could feel pressure around him from the suit simulating arms.

Benrey was hugging him right up until the game shut off.


	2. Existance

The following months became some of the best months of Gordon’s life, as sad as that might be to those who didn’t understand. He spent almost all of his time in VR with Benrey. Sometimes they would play through levels much like they had before, sometimes they ended up trying to have sex again, and Gordon’s personal favorite was when they just talked about anything and everything cuddling up close to each other. 

Of course, Gordon did most of the talking during these times. He talked about their adventure with the Science team or about his past real world jobs and experiences. He had expected Benrey to pry more into Gordon’s personal life, wanting to know all the gritty details of his new found real world boyfriend, but all he seemed interested in was what the outside looked like. Benrey asked about the sky, about what grass was, what food tasted like. They were such small things that Gordon had never really thought about during his day to day life. 

Many times during Gordon’s stories, Benrey would be unable to sit still and some of his sweet voice would leak out. Gordon would have to pause his story to let Benrey release the colorful sweet voice that would surround them. Usually they were a light red almost pink colored. He never knew what this meant until Benrey finally allowed the other AI to wake up from their slumber.

He gave Gordon access to the other save files again and Gordon was finally able to see the Science Team. It was like nothing had changed since the party at Chuck E. Cheese. Gordon managed to pull Tommy aside one day, inquiring about the sweet voice color during the stories. He tried his hardest to describe the color that he had seen. 

“Oh! I think I know what that is, Mr. Freeman!” Tommy said eagerly.

“Really? What does it mean?”

“Light red like a salty crustacean means they’re filled with elation!” 

So Benrey was excited about the outside world, huh? When Gordon wasn’t in VR, he started doing research into the game and how to bring photos into it. He managed to bring a few in via the sprays system and tried to bring in different ones each day. Benrey always seemed to lose his shit like an eager puppy when Gordon showed him a photo of the real world. It always made Gordon laugh and warmed his heart seeing how excited Benrey would get. 

Today had been spent just the two of them talking and cuddling. For easier cuddling, they had spawned a couch into the break room they were in around where Gordon’s real couch was in his room. He could feel Benrey’s body heat as he was snuggled up against Gordon, head on his chest, and the rise and fall of his breathing. It was these close moments when Gordon forgot that Benrey was merely code. 

“Benrey?” Gordon asked, breaking the silence. Benrey looked up letting out a small noise in response. “Were you ever able to get into the game code like you said?”

“Course I did, man. I brought the nerd team back and unlocked your save files. Big hero Gordon is back in action, with me as your super hot side kick and also the undefeatable twist boss at the end.”

“That’s not what I meant, and Benrey we  _ did _ beat you.”

“Only cause I let you.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, you’re cute looking when you win.”

Gordon shifted on the couch so he could properly look at the smaller male. Benrey looked up expectantly.

“What I meant was, you told me you wanted to go home. You couldn’t remember what home was because you said your memories were messed up. Were you able to look into that and fix it?” 

Benrey’s eyes looked away and he snuggled back against Gordon. 

“I don’t wanna talk about that,” he mumbled. 

“Why not? I want to help you-”

“No, it’s not cool, dude. It’s like totally bad area, like an enemy battle you’re not high enough level to fight and definitely shouldn’t go there. Instant game over, bro.”

Gordon sighed. He was clearly hiding something that was either too emotional or too personal that he felt like he couldn’t reveal. Gordon carefully wrapped an arm around him resting his hand on Benrey’s shoulder. 

“How do we become higher level then?” Gordon asked. Benrey shifted uncomfortably. He put a hand on Gordon’s hand trying to hold it for comfort. Benrey opened his mouth and a few colored bits of sweet voice floated out in a low tone. This was one color that Gordon remembered from the past. 

_ Purple to jade means I’m afraid. _

“Alright, no worries.” Gordon said. “We don’t have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable. What do you wanna talk about then?”

The sweet voice died down and Benrey cleared his throat. 

“Can you tell me about the city again?”

“Of course.”

Gordon continued on telling Benrey’s stories and didn’t bring up the question again. If he wanted any answers, he’d have to go looking on his own. The Science Team wouldn’t be much help since they didn’t even seem to know they were inside a video game let alone know how to access the code for Benrey’s memories. Once Gordon left for the night, he immediately opened youtube and got to work teaching himself how to get into the code of a video game and find what he was looking for.

He already knew some basics when it came to video game programming so he was able to pick it up quickly. He found the files for almost everyone, including a photo file for Sunkist. There was one thing that was sticking out and Gordon double checked everything multiple times to make sure he was seeing it right.

There was no programming for Benrey.

He didn’t exist in the game.

Gordon sat back in his chair and pushed a hand through his hair. How was that even possible? There had to be some kind of programming for Benrey, but no matter how many times he looked over all the files and all the lines of code he just couldn’t find anything about the security guard. Was this what Benrey was hiding? Did he think Gordon would be scared? He definitely wasn’t scared, but it left him confused and unsure of what to do next. 

If he confronted Benrey about it, there was a high chance he’d end up freaking him out enough that monster Benrey could make another appearance. They had already come close to seeing it once more and Gordon didn’t want to put himself or Benrey through that stress again. 

_ “But it didn’t put me to sleep. I had to stay awake. Alone.” _

When Gordon shut off the game, everyone was put to sleep like a typical game would be. It was undisturbed, untouched. Gordon was the thing that made them alive because that was what they were created for. Yet, Benrey remained awake and alive without Gordon being present inside the game. It didn’t even have to be loaded up for Benrey to exist. It just wasn’t possible. 

_ “Where were you, bro? It’s not a very epic gamer moment to leave us hanging for so long.” _

Benrey was forced to experience time like a normal person. He had to live the months without Gordon after the game was completed all by himself. It would be enough to drive the average person insane, but Benrey wasn’t an average person, right? He shouldn’t have been able to experience time as an AI unless he was constantly active like a home assistant like Alexa. But he wasn’t, right? 

Gordon spun around slowly in his chair in front of his computer trying to put all the pieces together in his brain. He ran his hands through his curly hair a few times. A thought crept into Gordon’s brain and rather than dismiss it from how absurd it was, he began typing into Google. 

_ >Can you upload a person into a program? _

Articles began popping up in the search engine and hours began to pass Gordon by as he clicked and read each one trying to gather as much information as he could. It was heavily debated just how far robotics and programming could go when it came to crossing technology with the physical world, and most argued it was impossible to fully transfer consciousness into a computer. The closest thing appeared to be AI that merely copied and duplicated speech patterns and behaviors of the person it was imitating, but Benrey was more than that. He didn’t just copy, he could think and feel. 

If it was somehow possible, it would explain the lack of programming and Benrey’s lack of memories. Gordon sighed and checked the time. It was almost four in the morning. He yawned, shutting off his computer as the lack of sleep began to catch him. He’d have to try and figure this all out in the morning. Gordon yawned and got into bed snuggling down into his blankets. Before long, he was able to fall into a deep, peaceful, sleep.

It was so deep of sleep in fact, that Gordon didn’t even notice the monitor on his computer turning on. The fan in his PC jumped to life as the computer woke up from slumber and began to work on its own. Slowly, the mouse cursor began to move over the desktop clicking on the icon for Gmod VR. The game began to boot up and load a save file as Gordon mumbled something about not having his essay for class.

The monitor suddenly went black for a moment before flickering between a full screen of the game and darkness. Sparks began to fly from the back of the monitor and the glass of the LCD monitor began to bend as if being pushed from the inside. The bend became greater and greater, threatening to shatter the glass before suddenly two hands passed through. They felt around before pushing off on the desk below to haul the rest out of the monitor.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash and Gordon’s eyes flew open. He sat up in bed and turned on his bedside lamp. His keyboard had been knocked off the desk, his chair pushed over onto its back. Half on the chair upside down was-

“Benrey!?” Gordon shouted. He grabbed his glasses and pulled them on. Sure enough, Benrey was laying sprawled out on the floor groaning. He looked over when Gordon spoke and chuckled some. 

“Hey, Gordo. Talk about an epic fail, am I right?”

Gordon got out of bed and walked over to him, his mouth hanging open. Benrey rolled over getting off the chair so Gordon could stand it back up. 

“Good thing I had my helmet or that might have hurt! Oh, sorry about your keyboard, bro.”

“Benrey?”

“That’s my name, feel free to moan it out loud.”

Gordon leaned over and helped Benrey to his feet. This had to be some kind of dream. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. Benrey was a video game AI inside of Gordon’s computer. He wasn’t real. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t-

“Hey Feetman, you happy to see me? Instead of going on an adventure for your princess, your princess came to you. I’m the princess by the way, but like one of those hot battle warrior princesses.”

Oh my God this was real. 

Gordon took Benrey’s hand in his unable to stop staring at him.

“Hello? Earth to Feetman! I like holding your hand too, but like, are you gonna say anything, dude? I come all this way and you’re just staring at me like I’ve got two heads? I mean, I can make another head if you wanna see that, bro. I’m epic like that. I can get huge and destroy little nerds like I did before. I mean, I wouldn’t hurt you-”

Gordon grabbed Benrey’s shoulders and pulled him close, kissing him right on the lips. Benrey’s eyes widened before he shut them kissing Gordon back. Hands grabbed desperately at each other, arms pulling their bodies closer trying to become one. Gordon backed up pulling Benrey with him and nearly fell onto the couch. Benrey crawled on top of him, stradling Gordon’s lap. 

“You’re real,” Gordon whispered. “You’re real, Benrey.”

“Shut the fuck up and keep kissing me, Feetman.” 

Benrey started kissing him again forcefully and Gordon shut his eyes letting the smaller male take the lead. Benrey was pushing him against the back of the couch as he kissed Gordon with the desperation of a dehydrated person in the desert finding the sweet water that was Gordon. 

“W-Wait,” Gordon pushed Benrey back a little bit so he could speak. Benrey was blushing and panting slightly, his eyes staring at Gordon like some kind of predator. 

“For fucks sake, Gordon, what now?”

“How are you real? How is any of this happening? You’re a program-”

“Sometimes if you want something bad enough, it’ll happen.” 

Benrey nuzzled at Gordon’s neck leaving gentle kisses. He gently scraped his teeth over the skin and Gordon shivered. If Benrey didn’t give him some space, Gordon was sure that this was gonna have only one ending. There was too much that needed addressed first before that happened. Benrey had moved back to kissing Gordon and once again, Gordon moved him back.

“You are literally the worst homosexual ever, Gordon. Like, guys are supposed to kiss other guys. I thought you wanted to kiss me!” Benrey said bitterly. 

“I do!”

“Then why do you keep stopping?”

“Because you’re real and sitting on my lap, Benrey. I can hold you, kiss you,” Gordon put a hand on Benrey’s upper arm as tears began to well up in his eyes. “I’m not alone anymore. You’re really here. I don’t know how you did it, but damn it I’m so glad you did. My sweet little Benrey.”

Benrey’s blush deepened. “Alright, nerd. Chill out with that sappy shit. Totally uncool, not an epic gamer move. Zero out of ten, would not play again.”

Gordon put a hand to Benrey’s cheek gently running his thumb over his soft skin. Despite being real now, his skin still had that greyish blue tint to it and his eyes were still yellow with red tones closer to his pupils. Gordon didn’t care how he looked. Benrey was beautiful to him. 

Gordon was pulled from his thoughts as Benrey yawned. Gordon was given a full display of the large, shark like teeth inside of Benrey’s mouth before they soon disappeared. 

“What the fuck..?” Benrey mumbled, rubbing at his eye. “Gordon, why do I feel like shit? My eyes hurt and I feel like I’ve got twelve tabs open and each of them are playing a ten hour video of a cat playing the kazoo.” 

Gordon chuckled. “That’s called being tired, Benrey. You need to sleep.” 

“Sleep?”

Gordon carefully undid the clasps of Benrey’s vest and sat it aside. He loosened his tie while Benrey yawned again.

“Yes, sleep. It’s when you lay down in a bed and close your eyes. It’s like a computer powering down so it can recharge.” Gordon explained. Maybe if he put it into computer terms it would make more sense to him. After all, this was all so brand new to Benrey. He was going to be confused and utterly lost like a three year old in a mansion. 

“Can I sleep with you?” Benrey asked. 

“Absolutely. Let’s get you into something more comfortable.” Gordon put a hand on either side of Benrey’s helmet and pulled it up. Black hair unfurled from under the helmet and stopped around his chin, some hair near the back of his neck went down a little farther. Gordon sat the helmet on the couch beside him.

He carefully had Benrey get up and remove his dress pants and shoes before having him sit down on the bed. Gordon undid the buttons on his shirt and slid it off him so Benrey sat in front of him in only his underwear and socks. Gordon guided him into laying down and he got him tucked under the covers. He slid in next to him and turned the lamp off.

Benrey snuggled up to him resting his head on Gordon’s chest. Gordon hoped and prayed that when he woke up that Benrey would still be lying here in his arms. Maybe this was some kind of fever dream in reality, but for the moment Gordon wanted to focus only on this. Benrey was here in his arms in the real world and Gordon felt like his heart was about to explode out of his chest. 

The two of them slept the night away, Gordon smiling happily and Benrey drooling.


	3. McNuggies

Something was tickling Gordon’s face. He tried to move his face away from the source, but it continued until he woke up. His sleepy vision was blurred as he looked up at his ceiling. Why did his body feel so heavy? He noticed a blue and black blob in the bottom of his vision and Gordon reached a hand up. His hand ran through black hair tickling at his neck. A face was laying against his chest. An arm sprawled over him. 

Gordon carefully reached over to his night stand and grabbed his glasses. The blob came into focus as he put them on. Benrey was sprawled on him sleeping away. Gordon looked down at the sleeping form in surprise. It hadn’t been a fever dream. Benrey was real.

“Benrey?” Gordon asked in a whisper. He had no idea if he really wanted to wake him or not. He wasn’t prepared for a full on attack of his senses by Benrey’s overpowering personality, but who knew how he’d act after sleeping? After all, this was probably the first time Benrey actually slept in his life. 

Gordon gently shook Benrey’s shoulder. He had decided that the smaller male being awake was better than him continuing to drool on Gordon’s tee shirt. Benrey mumbled some trying to snuggle closer to the warmth, his brows furrowing unhappily. 

“Benrey,” Gordon said a little bit louder. Benrey’s breathing changed as he woke up. He sat up looking confused before his eyes landed on Gordon.

“Gordon? What happened? Where am I?” 

“You’re in my bed in the real world. You fell asleep.”

“I feel like I’m overheating.”

Gordon pulled the covers back and shivered as the cool air hit his skin. He wanted to stay under the covers and sleep longer, but he had woken Benrey like a fool. Now Benrey vs the real world would begin. Gordon sat up and adjusted himself to give Benrey enough space, but Benrey decided to lean against Gordon’s shoulder.

“Slow boot up, man. Wanna turn off again.” Benrey mumbled. 

“Well, it’s-” Gordon looked over at the clock. “Almost noon. It’s time to get up.”

Benrey yawned before his eyes opened wider and he looked down at his stomach.

“Yo, why the fuck is my body vibrating like there a fuckin monster in me?”

“You must be hungry. You have to eat food to make that stop. In the real world you have to take care of your body,” Gordon explained.

“Holy shit, I’m a living tomagotchi. Gordon, have you been like this the whole time? Those things are so needy, man! I don’t wanna be some kind of virtual pet you forget about in a week.”

Gordon brushed some of Benrey’s hair out of his face. “I won’t forget about you, but we need to get some food in you. You’re crabby enough as is.”

“Rude.”

Gordon chuckled and got out of bed. Benrey’s guard uniform was still laying on the couch. He’d have to find something for Benrey to wear other than that uniform. He opened his closet looking for something that might fit him and wouldn’t cause him to bitch too much. He took out an old hoodie of his from college and some sweatpants. He tossed them over to the bed. 

“Put those on. You’re not a security guard in this world and you can't go around wearing it or people will start to question you.” Benrey looked at the clothes a bit confused, but started pulling them on without any complaint. 

“I’m not a guard, Feetman,” Benrey said as he pulled the hoodie down over his head. “I’m a fucking epic gamer. You should know better.” 

“Oh please forgive me, Mr Epic Gamer,” Gordon said sarcastically rolling his eyes. Benrey smiled content with the response. Gordon got dressed in jeans and a different tee shirt before looking back over to Benrey. He had put his helmet back on, but wasn’t touching the rest of the uniform.

“You don’t need to wear that-” Gordon walked over and tried to remove it, but Benrey held it firmly on his head and hissed at Gordon. Gordon tried to tug it off again, but still Benrey kept a firm hold on it and kept hissing. 

“Jesus Christ, it’s just a helmet!” Gordon said letting go.

“Is Mario’s mustache just a mustache? It’s a part of me, Feetman! The helmet stays!” Benrey snapped back. He pulled the helmet down more on his head glaring up at Gordon. This wasn’t a fight worth fighting. He’d have to try and find something else for Benrey to wear if they were to go out in public at all, but maybe taking him anywhere would be a bad idea. Who knew how he would react to the real world and the innocent bystanders who would be caught in the crossfire?

Gordon’s phone vibrated on his nightstand and Benrey looked over curiously. Gordon walked over to it and picked it up before Benrey was able to try and take it. There was a text from one of his friends.

_ Markus _

_ Hey gordo, havent seen u in a long time. Wanna get lunch and catch up? I know you’ve been invested in that VR game lately. Maybe you can tell me more about it?  _

Meeting up with Markus was probably a good idea so people didn’t think Gordon was dead at his desk. He hadn’t been social since he and Benrey had begun spending all their time together. Markus was the only one who Gordon really talked to during that time, but it wasn’t very often. He had mentioned the VR game once or twice in texts to explain his absence and he had very briefly mentioned Benrey as a favorite NPC in passing.

You know what? Fuck it. It would be good to get Benrey out of the house.

_ Gordon _

_ Sure dude. Sorry for not texting much. I just got super into the game. Also I got someone for you to meet if that's alright? He’s kinda my boyfriend I think? _

_ Markus _

_ YOU THINK!? GORDON YOU GOT A DATE AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME? BRING THIS HOT PIECE OF ASS SO I CAN JUDGE THE SHIT OUT OF HIM _

_ Gordon _

_ Omfg relax markus. Where do you want to meet? _

_ Markus _

_ If this bitch wants to date my best friend, then i must make sure he is worthy of you. Also i want mcdonalds.  _

_ Gordon _

_ Alright, I’ll meet you there then and I’ll bring him. Just please be nice? He’s a bit of an edgelord and I really don’t want to hear you two go at it. _

_ Markus _

_ No promises _

“Alright, Benrey. We’re going out.” Gordon said pocketing his phone.

“Out?”

“Yeah, a friend of mine wants to meet you and besides it would probably be good to show you what the real world is like. You can actually see things instead of seeing crappy pictures.” Gordon said. Benrey’s eyes widened and Gordon could see the childish spark of joy. He suddenly started to sing out a high note before stopping confused.

“What the fuck?” Benrey sang the note again. “What happened to my sweet voice?”

“Well, you’re not in the game anymore,” Gordon said, rubbing the back of his neck. “You won’t really be able to do that. Humans can’t do that in the real world.”

The light in Benrey’s eyes faded and he looked away. He messed with the ends of the hoodie sleeves which almost completely covered his hands. It was quite adorable, but it broke Gordon’s heart to see Benrey this upset. His wordless communication was taken away from him.

“Hey,” Gordon kneeled down in front of him and carefully lifted Benrey’s chin up. “We’ll figure this out, okay? I know how important that was for you. We’ll find something you can use. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”

Gordon then gently kissed his lips. Benrey hummed a low note and Gordon moved back smiling. He stood up and pulled Benrey’s helmet off in one quick yank. 

“Yo, what the fuck!?” 

“If we’re going out, you can’t wear the helmet.” Gordon ruffled Benrey’s hair. “Don’t worry, I think I have something for you to replace it. I just need to find it.” Gordon held onto the helmet as he walked over to his closet. He opened the door and started searching through the old boxes shoved near the back on the floor. One of the boxes contained hats of all kinds that had come into Gordon’s possession over the years. He moved some hats aside and fished out a blue chullo hat. 

It had been a gift from his mother and Gordon had never really worn it. It wasn’t his style, but he didn’t have the heart to throw it out or sell it. It had gone in the box and had been forgotten about. Now, it was time to be regifted. Gordon put the helmet on the ground next to the box and stood up closing the closet door. 

“This might be your speed,” 

“Ain’t nothin gonna be better than my fucking helmet, Feetman. This is totally not an epic gamer moment. Hashtag cancel Gordon Feetman.” 

Gordon walked over and pulled the chullo onto Benrey’s head as he continued to complain. Benrey stopped talking and his eyes looked up towards the hat. The sparkle in his yellow eyes returned. His hands moved up and grabbed onto the tassles and tugged on them.

“How’s that?” Gordon asked. “If you don’t like it I can-” 

“Touch this hat and I will bite your hand off.”

Gordon chuckled and grabbed his wallet and keys from his desk. He headed out of his bedroom and like a puppy, Benrey was soon following behind him. He was looking around as they went down the hall to the main room of the apartment where Gordon’s living room setting was. He headed to the front door and headed out. Gordon waited until Benrey was standing in the hall with him before he locked up the front door. 

Gordon didn’t need to say a word to Benrey as he headed down the steps towards the lobby of his apartment building. Benrey would go anywhere Gordon did, especially when Benrey had no idea what the real world was like. Gordon went to the front door and was about to exit when he felt Benrey’s hand grab his. He heard a small hum that started low and rose to a higher pitch. Gordon didn’t need the sweet voice to know what Benrey meant.

He was scared.

Gordon squeezed his hand. “I won’t let go. I promise.”

The door was pushed open and Gordon walked out bringing Benrey with him. The smaller male turned his head away from the bright sunlight using his other hand to shield his eyes. As his eyes adjusted, he lowered his hand and looked around.

“Holy shit,” Benrey breathed out. “Gordon, what’s that sound?”

“Those are birds. Real birds.” 

Benrey let go of Gordon’s hand taking a few steps forward. In front of the apartment building was a parking lot and sidewalk. Around the building were other apartment buildings in a small community. It wasn’t fancy, but it was nice enough for Gordon. It wasn’t too busy today, so there weren’t many cars coming and going from the parking lot or driving on the nearby roads. The beauty of a Saturday.

Benrey wandered a few feet into the parking lot and stood in an empty parking space. He leaned down and touched the hot concrete with his hand. He slowly moved his hand back and forth feeling the bumpy texture, the heat warming his hand. His attention moved to Gordon’s car when Gordon unlocked it. 

“You have a car?” Benrey asked.

“Of course I do. What did you think I do to get around?”

“Uh, fuckin’ walk like we did before?”

Gordon rolled his eyes and walked over to the car. “We rode in a car before, remember? You glued me to the seat before it blew up.”

Benrey chuckled and stood up straight to follow him. “You didn’t see it coming. What a little piss baby you were. Oooohhh he won’t let outta the carrrrrr! Benrey glued me to the seeeeeat.”

“Get in the car, idiot.” Gordon laughed. Benrey laughed as well and got in the passenger side. Thankfully, he knew how cars worked. Gordon started the car after getting buckled and the radio turned on playing the local station. Benrey’s attention kept moving from the radio to the window where he watched the world go by as Gordon drove them to McDonald’s. It was only a few blocks away, but Gordon didn’t feel any less nervous.

Markus had no idea that Benrey was real or that Gordon had fallen in love with a computer AI to begin with. He’d probably be called crazy, but he couldn’t be crazy anymore now that Benrey was real, right? How was he even going to explain that? It didn’t make any sense for Benrey to just crawl out of his PC, but here he was in the car playing with the window controls like a five year old. Benrey’s eyes followed the window as it opened and closed.

“Having fun?” Gordon asked.

“Your car is lame, Feetman. Lame car for lame feetman.”

Gordon shrugged. “Complain all you want, but this is my car and I like it.”

“Where are we going?” Benrey asked looking over.

“We’re going to a restaurant called McDonalds. Markus is meeting us there to meet you. Be nice to him, okay? He’s probably gonna ask a lot of questions about you and us.” 

Benrey’s only reply was to slink down more in his seat while going, “Bbbbbbbb.” 

Gordon couldn’t help but smile. Benrey may have been a complete asshole and the biggest pain in Gordon’s ass, but he couldn’t deny how much he loved Benrey. One moment he’d think of his stupid laugh and how much it got under his skin, then Gordon would get the overwhelming urge to imagine kissing him to silence him. It drove him crazy and he didn’t want it any other way.

Gordon pulled into the McDonald’s parking lot near an island of soft grass and a tree and shut the car off. He got out and Benrey followed. Gordon went around the front of the car to go into the building, but noticed a lack of Benrey in his peripheral vision. He looked back to find Benrey face down in the grass next to the car. 

“Benrey?” Gordon asked, walking back over to him. Benrey said something, but all his words were muffled by the grass. 

“Benrey, get up. People don’t just lay in grass.” Gordon looked around to make sure that no one was watching them. Benrey lifted his head.

“Gordon, this is the fucking greatest thing since the addition of bees in minecraft, dude. Have you  _ felt _ this shit? It’s so like, fucking soft, but not. Gordon, come touch this!” 

“No, no I think I’m good. Benrey, please for the love of God get up.”

“Make me, Feetman.”

People who were coming to the McDonalds were staring as they passed by them, looking at Benrey as if he was some kind of freak. While Gordon was embarrassed by being the center of attention, he almost wanted to hit them for thinking bad of Benrey’s joy. He had to do something about this. Gordon walked over to the island and stood over Benrey, putting a foot on either side of him. He leaned down and hooked his arms under Benrey’s armpits and hauled him up off the ground. 

“Hey, put me down.” Benrey pouted. He let his body go limp in Gordon’s arms to make himself harder to carry. Jokes on him though, Gordon lifted weights. He easily carried Benrey off the island and over to the sidewalk outside the McDonalds. He let go after getting Benrey on his feet. 

“You done?” Gordon asked. Benrey looked at him and blew a raspberry at him. Gordon grabbed Benrey’s hand and hauled him into the McDonalds as Benrey continued his raspberry. Gordon walked over to one of the kiosks and began to put in his order. 

“Benrey, what do you want?” He asked, looking at him. Benrey shrugged. “Here, look at what they have and just point at what you wanna try, okay?”

Gordon went through the menu allowing Benrey to look at the different images of food. He suddenly pointed at the chicken nugget meal. Gordon tapped on it and added it to their order. Gordon looked over the drinks and clicked on Dr. Pepper as it was clearly the superior soda and Benrey had no frame of reference other than the soda machines in the Black Mesa break room and Gordon had no idea if those were even drinks. 

Once the meal was paid for, Gordon scanned the dining room for Markus. He feared they had gotten here early, but he soon spotted the blond near the back of the room by the entrance to the playplace. He headed over, still holding Benrey’s hand, and waved to Markus.

“Hey, Gordon! You made it! This must be your-” Markus looked at Benrey and stopped.

“Is he uh, is he okay?” Markus asked. 

“The fuck does that mean?” Benrey asked.

“I mean, your skin looks blue and your eyes are yellow.” 

“And you like you live in your mom’s basement jerking off to some fake anime waifu.” Benrey snapped. Gordon elbowed him roughly. Benrey rubbed his upper arm where he got elbowed and glared at Gordon unhappily. 

“Forest green to blue,” Benrey mumbled bitterly.

“What?” Gordon asked.

“Means it’s not nice to meet you, dude.”

Gordon gave Benrey’s hand a squeeze, then sat down across from Markus. Benrey sat next to him, keeping close to Gordon.

“Let’s start over,” Gordon said. “Markus this is Benrey.”

“Like the npc from your game?” Markus asked.

“He _ is _ the npc from the game.”

There was a long pause as Markus processed this information before he started to laugh. Gordon had expected Markrus to not believe him. It definitely was crazy and maybe Gordon was crazy, but at least Markus could see Benrey and it wasn’t some kind of hallucination from Gordon’s isolation. 

“Why are you laughing?” Benrey asked. 

“Because that’s impossible. Gordon told me about the video game he was playing, but there’s no way you’re his favorite npc. You had to be in VRChat or something, right? That’s what this is?” Markus asked.

“Nah, man. I crawled outta Feetman’s computer. Why do you think I look sickly as you described it? You think an epic gamer like me just exists naturally?” Benrey said. He smiled making sure Markus got a good look at his sharp, unnatural teeth. Markus looked back to Gordon for confirmation who simply nodded.

“I don’t know how, Markus. I’m just as lost as you. I woke up to him literally crawling out my monitor like some kind of sci-fi horror movie.” Gordon’s attention went from Markus to the employee who came over with their food. Gordon took his from the bag and put Benrey’s in front of his. Benrey opened the box and looked at the nuggets.

“The fuck is this?” He asked.

“Chicken nuggets. You asked for them. Go on and try it.”

Benrey picked one of them up and sniffed it. He turned the nugget over curiously in his hand before he took a bite of it. His eyes widened and he quickly looked at Gordon. The innocent sparkle was present in his eyes and Gordon’s chest fluttered with the warm love that only Benrey could make him feel. 

Benrey started shoveling the nuggets into his mouth wanting every last nugget in the box. Gordon chuckled watching. At least Benrey seemed to enjoy eating real world food. He looked back to Markus.

“Sorry, he doesn’t really have table manners. This is actually his first real world meal.” Gordon said. He popped a french fry into his mouth. 

“It’s alright,” Markus said. “You’re somehow convincing me even though this is impossible. I mean, how could a sentient AI exist in a game? I know AI can be aware of being AI and be programmed to mimic human behavior, but the idea of a real sentience being present is impossible. Not to mention crawling out of a computer monitor.”

“This is kinda why I wanted to bring him to you. You used to be a computer coder, right?” Gordon asked. 

“Still am to a degree. Just decided to do other things as a career. Do you still have his original game? Maybe if I saw his original code I could figure something out.”

“That’s the thing, Benrey was never in the game code. I looked over it multiple times. Every other AI I interacted with during the session was present, but he wasn’t. It just doesn’t make sense. If you want to come over and take a look at the files, you’re more than welcome to.” If there was some way they could get answers about this whole situation it would definitely put Gordon’s mind more at ease.

Benrey was no help when it came to figuring this out. Either he genuinely didn’t know, or there were things he wasn’t comfortable talking about and without his sweet voice he had no way to communicate non-verbally. That was another issue they’d have to try and solve. Gordon didn't want Benrey to feel like he had no voice whenever he verbally couldn’t communicate. The pain of the game was over and now Benrey was free. Gordon wanted him to feel safe.

“I’d be happy to. You just let me know whenever you want me over. Does Benrey know anything about his release from the game or his lack of code?” Markus asked. 

“He didn’t tell me much. Do you-” Gordon looked next to him to ask Benrey about the question, only to find he wasn’t there. The nugget box was empty, his french fries tipped over, and his soda was missing. Fear shot through Gordon. It felt like the same kind of fear as losing a child in public. He started looking around and quickly got up from the table.

“Benrey?” Gordon called. The other customers ignored him, most assuming he was calling for a child. Markus got up and put a hand on Gordon’s shoulder.

“Hey, it’s okay. He’s an adult-”

“Markus, he’s never been in the real world on his own. He’s used to a video game where he basically could control anything he wanted.” Gordon said. The fear was rising and Gordon was beginning to panic. He had to find Benrey. He couldn’t lose him. Oh God, oh fuck-

“Gordon!” 

Gordon turned towards Benrey’s voice to find him at the top of the playplace with his soda in one hand and waving with the other. Gordon hurried into the playplace room already feeling the tense fear in his chest beginning to ease.

“Gordon, dude, there’s a platformer in this place! Buncha lame kids in here too, but it’s so awesome! You should come up here!” Benrey smiled innocently, not realizing the scene he was causing. 

“Benrey. Get down here. Now.” Gordon said firmly.

“Or you could come up here and kiss me in the tunnel.” 

“Benrey!” Gordon raised his voice angrily. Benrey froze up as realization fell on his face. He hesitated for a moment before he made his way back down the playplace and over to Gordon. Without a word, Gordon grabbed his hand tightly and hauled him back to the table. He put the rest of their food in the bag.

“Markus, text me. We’re going home.” Gordon didn’t wait for Markus to reply. He hauled Benrey out of the McDonalds and to the car, his grip on Benrey’s hand tight. The car ride back to the apartment was deadly silent. 


	4. Lingering

The door slammed shut behind them and Gordon locked it. Benrey stood nearby awkwardly and watched Gordon go over to the couch and sit down without a word. He turned on the tv, completely ignoring Benrey. Normally, Benrey would be used to Gordon’s anger. After all, he made sure to antagonize him at every moment during the game, but this time the anger didn’t make Benrey giddy with childish excitement. He felt guilty. He wanted Gordon to talk to him, even if it was to yell at him.

Benrey continued to watch, hovering, until he managed to break the trance and head back to the bedroom. He pulled off the chullo and tossed it towards the couch. He stopped in front of the mirror that was on Gordon’s closet door and looked himself over. Why would Gordon ever love someone like him? He didn’t look anything like Gordon. That Markus guy was right. Benrey looked wrong. His skin was too blue, his teeth too sharp, his eyes too yellow. He wasn’t supposed to be in this world. Gordon had never asked for him to be here. Gordon didn’t want him here.

Benrey opened the closet and looked around for his helmet. He found it on the floor near the back and slid it onto his head. It felt much more comforting and normal than the chullo. Benrey held both sides of the helmet still kneeling on the floor in front of the closet. A tear ran down his cheek. Then another. He bit his bottom lip hard as the flood gates began to open.

Benrey wanted to go back into the game. He wanted to leave Gordon alone and quit being such a nuisance to him. He should have known he was nothing more than a quick fuck. He was never meant to be anything more than an obstacle, a final boss to defeat. Benrey scratched at his helmet as the emotions built up inside him. He tried to give into it, to let his body morph and glitch like before, but the barrier wouldn’t break. It was stronger than it ever had been and it only made the pressure worse. 

Benrey’s mind went blank and he began to act solely on impulse. His only thought was to destroy. His hands grabbed Gordon’s rack of video games and threw it onto its side. His nails dug into the carpet pulling at the fibers as the memory of clawing open a soldier flashed in his mind. Benrey threw anything he got his hands on, including the desk chair. Books hit the wall as Benrey screamed a high note in rage. 

Gunfire dug into his skin as the skeletons flew around him singing. Benrey turned to find the science team shooting him. He hated them. He wanted to crush them under his hands and watch their eyes pop out of their skulls. He lurched forward flailing his arms to try and pin them, but they were too fast. Gunfire and lasers were hitting him from all directions and it hurt like hell. He wanted it to stop. Why wouldn’t they stop? 

“ _ Benrey!” _

He turned towards the voice to see the small form of Gordon, aiming his gun arm at him. Benrey screamed and flew at him, his body glitching and morphing into extra limbs and eyes. As the gunfire began to pierce his flesh, Benrey blindly swiped forward trying to make the burning agony stop. A loud shout of pain suddenly jolted Benrey out of the blind rage and anguish. 

Gordon stood before him, bloody scratches across his cheek from where Benrey had attacked. The bedroom was trashed around the two of them. Benrey’s body was frozen on the spot as he saw the damage he had caused. Gordon had a hand to his cheek. He lowered it and saw the blood.

“Benrey..” His voice was quiet, almost disappointed and sad. Benrey’s whole body began to tremble. He blinked a few times as Gordon became fuzzy in his vision. Gordon moved forward and Benrey instinctively moved back away from him, putting an arm up defensively. 

_ Don’t shoot me. Don’t shoot me. Don’t shoot me. Don’t shoot me. _

“I-I’m sorry.” Benrey whispered, his voice shaking.

Gordon moved forward again, his hands up. Once he was close enough, Gordon gently pulled Benrey into a hug and after a moment, Benrey hugged back burying his face into Gordon’s shoulder as he cried. Gordon gently removed the helmet and ran his fingers through Benrey’s hair. It was a comforting motion and Benrey felt more grounded in reality by it. He wanted to apologize for trashing the room. He wanted to apologize for attacking. Benrey wanted to pour out his entire heart to Gordon and explain himself, but he couldn’t manage a single word as he sobbed.

“It’s okay, now.” Gordon soothed. “It’s over, honey.”

Benrey nuzzled at Gordon’s neck and hummed. He wished his sweet voice was still here. He needed it more than ever. All he could do right now was pray that Gordon would take pity on him and not shove him out into the world on his own. He wasn’t sure if he could even return to Black Mesa through the computer. Outside of the computer, Gordon was Benrey’s entire world and was all he knew. 

Gordon’s skin was warm and his smell was sweet. It was comforting and Benrey was beginning to run out of tears. He held on tighter wanting to be as close to Gordon as he could. Gordon delicately picked Benrey up, his hands under his rear, and Benrey kept his face buried right in Gordon’s neck. He didn’t want to move and if Gordon wanted to carry him, fine. It wasn’t like he could even complain anyways. Benrey shut his eyes as he felt himself being carried to somewhere else in the apartment. 

When Gordon put him down, Benrey could feel soft cushions against his back and under him. Benrey opened his eyes to find himself on the living room couch. Gordon carefully wrapped a blanket around him and kissed his forehead. He then settled in on the couch and pulled Benrey close to his chest to properly cuddle the freshly wrapped benrrito. Benrey looked up at Gordon and let out a small noise.

Gordon smiled warmly and hugged him. “I love you, Benrey. You’re so wonderful. I’m so happy I can hold you and give you kisses.”

Fingers played with Benrey’s hair, slowly combing through the dark tangles. The repetitive motion soothed him more and Benrey laid his head against Gordon’s chest. Benrey’s eyelids began to grow heavy as the sound of the tv fell into the muffled background.

When Benrey next opened his eyes, Gordon had left the couch and Benrey was laying on a pillow. The slow boot up began after getting reset. His eyes assessed the situation around him. The tv was still on and a man in a suit stood in front of a picture Benrey didn’t understand talking about rain coming that night and in the next few days. Benrey sat up on the couch keeping the warm blanket around him. He wanted Gordon back. 

Benrey got up off the couch holding the blanket in place and wandered around the apartment coming up empty each time he checked a room. He went back down the hall to the bedroom and peeked in. Gordon was on his knees, collecting the scattered video game cases as he tried to tidy the mess that Benrey had made. Benrey leaned against the doorframe.

_ I’m just a problem for him.  _

“Mmm?”

Gordon looked up and over his shoulder. “Oh, Benrey, you’re awake. How do you feel?”

Benrey looked away. “Mm..”

Gordon put the pile of video games on the floor and stood up. He got closer and Benrey felt so small compared to Gordon now. They weren’t that different in height, maybe only an inch or two, but Gordon seemed to tower over him now. He lifted his hand and gently ran his fingers through Benrey’s hair, pushing his bangs back. 

“This wasn’t about McDonald’s, was it?” Gordon asked, his hand moving to cup Benrey’s cheek. Benrey shook his head no before leaning into Gordon’s hand. He could feel Gordon’s thumb run along his cheek trying to comfort him. It wasn’t fair to do this to Gordon after everything that they had been through. It wasn’t fair to just show up unannounced and just expect Gordon to be okay with this. His bottom lip quivered and Gordon began to shush him.

“Hey, don’t cry. I’m not mad.”

“P-Problem..” Benrey forced out. His episode had shut down the talking portion of his brain and he had to work extra hard to get even one word out. He owed Gordon some kind of explanation. It was only right.

“Problem?”

“M-me..I..p-problem. B-Bad.”

“Oh, Benrey, you’re not a problem. I promise.”

Benrey shook his head, unable to look Gordon in the eyes.. “B-Bad..n-not..not wanted. Y-You..hate me.”

Gordon gently moved Benrey’s chin to make him look into Gordon’s eyes. They were soft and looked like warm honey. 

“I know in the past I said awful things to you. I didn’t think it was real and I didn’t think you had a consciousness. I regret what I’ve said so much and I wish I could make it disappear. I promise you, I love you and I want you here with me so badly. It crushed me when I thought I'd never be able to properly hold you or kiss you. It made me cry.”

“You were shouting when you were destroying things. You kept shouting, ‘stop shooting me’, Benrey. You’re safe now. It’s over and I forgive you. We can make it all better and forget what happened at Black Mesa. It’s a fresh start. A new game.”

Benrey blinked some as the words bounced around in his brain. “New..game.”

“Yes, a new game. Fresh start, and this time, you’re loved and wanted more than ever. I don’t ever want to let you go, Benrey. You’re a good person, not a bad one. We all make mistakes and we all learn from them.” Gordon leaned in and kissed his lips. Benrey pushed his face up a little to better align their lips. He loved being able to kiss Gordon. It always made him feel all fuzzy inside like he was about to start glitching and no clip through a wall.

Benrey wanted to be good too. He wanted to be a hero like Gordon was and have people like him. He wanted friends like the science team. Was it even possible for a big bad video game boss like Benrey to be good? He had always believed he was inherently evil with how everyone treated him. The only one who had ever seen him as a person, despite also hating him, was Gordon. Even while Gordon yelled at Benrey’s actions, telling him to disappear and never come back, Gordon never acted like Benrey was just inherently bad. He always demanded a reason. Why would you say that? Why would you do that? Everyone else just accepted Benrey was bad. Gordon wanted to know why.

That had been the first reason Benrey had felt so powerfully attracted to him. It was a new experience and one Benrey gladly welcomed. Gordon was a breath of fresh air from an outside world where there was reason and people had choices. Outside of the screen was a world where people could change themselves and be what they wanted. Benrey could be a good person and be a proper lover for Gordon. He could be the kind man that Gordon deserved. This world taunted Benrey from beyond the monitor, where Gordon would disappear to and Benrey could not follow. 

Benrey hadn’t been able to take it any longer. He had no idea what would happen, but he had pressed against the barrier between the worlds, begging it to break just long enough to let him out. He wanted to be part of Gordon’s world. He wanted to be a good person too. His hands sliding past the barrier burned like the worst fire, but he had pressed on trying desperately to get his body through. The pain he had felt as he laid on the floor while Gordon got up from bed surprised had felt more real than any pain Benrey had felt. It felt so strong and tangible like Gordon, like the flurry of thoughts in Benrey’s brain. 

Benrey had felt drunk on reality and on every sense that consumed him. Taste, smell, touch, sound, sight. Each one felt stronger than before filling him with brand new senses that Benrey had never known. It was like he had unlocked DLC for life that changed the entire game itself. He had a chance now, a new save file, to make everything better. It was only when Gordon’s yelling returned that Benrey realized he had been hopelessly lost in the fantasies he had created.

Even in this new world, Benrey was still Benrey. He was still the monster that the scientists had created with their hatred and all Benrey knew how to do was harm others around him in order to spread the agony that coursed through his heart. A final boss was all he ever could be and protagonists didn’t love evil villains. They would slay them in the final act, becoming celebrated heroes who had purged the land of their horrible influence. No one cared what happened to the villain after.

No one cared if the villain was left alone, unwanted, unloved, and suffering with their heavy weighted guilt as the whole world rejected them. No one would mourn the wicked except the wicked themselves. They had forced Benrey to be bad, so he had to be bad in the end. There was no redemption arc in his story. His story had ended after Gordon put him down and now Benrey was lost in the nothingness. 

“Honey?” 

Benrey came back to reality as the kiss lingered on his lips. 

“You alright?”

Benrey nodded with a small smile. Protagonists didn’t care about their enemies, but Gordon cared. Protagonists didn’t kiss evil bosses, but Gordon did. He was the only person who saw good in the tortured soul. Gordon’s kindness and humanity had touched Benrey when they met, and it had lingered growing and growing until it woke Benrey up from the lie he had been living. It reminded him of a time long ago that even now he could barely remember. A time when things were genuine.

_ Tears ran down his cheeks as he watched the smiling face in the headset. He reached a hand out and while there was nothing there to feel but a wireless controller, it looked like he could almost touch them. He could almost be one of them.  _

“Honey?”

Benrey could see the concern on Gordon’s face. It was hard to keep his thoughts straight as his mind rapidly changed between topics. He had no idea what Gordon had seen as he spaced out, but it had been enough to scare him.

“I remember,” Benrey said. “I remember being just like you.”

“Like me?” 

“No, I think I was one of you. Gordon, I think I was from your world.” 


	5. Quiet

The day had been a complete blur to Gordon and he was still reeling from it as he cleaned up his bedroom. The trip to McDonalds had left Gordon angry and disappointed, his thoughts reverting back to the time in Black Mesa when Benrey would purposefully fuck with him and try to ruin his progress. Gordon hadn’t meant to get as angry as he did, but he had reverted to old habits in the moment. He had decided to give Benrey space and to try and cool down before he said anything stupid, but it only ended up in loud crashing coming from Gordon’s room.

Gordon didn’t care if his belongings were thrown. What he cared about was Benrey’s screaming for people to stop shooting him, to leave him alone. Gordon had frozen in the doorway watching completely thrown off guard. Once Benrey was calmed down and wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, Gordon tried to clean up the mess. The final fight was clearly still fresh in both of their minds. Gordon felt stupid for not even considering how that would have messed Benrey up in the head. The fight wasn’t all about Gordon, it had two perspectives. What had gone through Benrey’s mind as he attacked them? Was it even Benrey who attacked them or a frightened soul? 

He supposed it didn’t matter much now. The damage was already done and they could only move forward from here. They both had their issues they would have to overcome, and yelling wouldn’t solve any of it. Benrey wasn’t just some antagonising enemy anymore. He was Gordon’s boyfriend and Gordon couldn’t push him away. All he could do was comfort Benrey, kiss him, dry his tears, and whisper positive thoughts into his ear as he clung to Gordon tightly.

_ “No, I think I was one of you. Gordon, I think I was from your world.”  _

It had come out of nowhere and completely threw Gordon off guard. One of you? Was Benrey a human before going into the game? The thought had crossed Gordon’s mind before about a person being stuck in a game, but he had pushed it aside knowing it was merely fiction and only existed in bad creepypastas. Although, was it really that far from reality? After all, his assumed to be AI boyfriend had crawled out his computer in the middle of the night and was now a physical entity. It wasn’t a hallucination. 

Gordon tried not to show his surprise as he herded Benrey back to the living room for some much needed cuddling. This was all so confusing and sent Gordon’s brain into a spiral trying to come up with an answer that followed this crazy timeline and didn’t sound like a horror novelist’s wet dream. As Benrey once again snuggled up against Gordon, Gordon began to sort through his thoughts to figure out his next move.

The first thought was to try and find Benrey’s real identity if he even had one. He wondered if he’d be able to find him on the missing person’s listing from the FBI’s website, but that would be assuming he was from America because of the game he was trapped in. The next issue was who knew if Benrey even looked the same as before being in the game? He could have completely changed appearance after being taken in by the code. Gordon just didn’t have enough information about past Benrey to begin looking for him.

If Gordon could just get more information out of Benrey, maybe he could find out who he was. Maybe Benrey had a family who was searching for him? He could finally be reunited with them and put a lot of worried minds at ease. Gordon gently ran his fingers through Benrey’s hair absentmindedly. 

“Gordon,” Benrey mumbled. He nuzzled at Gordon’s neck and gently kissed him.

“I love you.” Gordon whispered. “How do you feel?”

“Bad.”

“Alright, get up. We need to get you out of your head. We’re going on a trip.” 

“Trip?” Benrey asked, lifting his head. Gordon nodded. He shifted Benrey off his lap and stood up. He offered him his hand.

“Enough of being sad about the past. We need to focus on now. I’m going to take you to a place called a park and there won’t be anymore yelling or angry feelings. It’s just gonna be the two of us and we’re gonna talk or not talk if you don’t feel up to it.”

Benrey held onto Gordon’s hand and got up from the couch, letting the blanket fall away from him. He gently kissed Gordon’s lips, lingering on them as he placed a hand on Gordon’s chest. There seemed to be so much going on behind those yellow eyes, so much he wanted to say, but none of it would come out. Gordon was happy to listen, but this was something he couldn’t force. 

After getting Benrey ready to go out, Gordon guided him back out and to the car. There were no words between them as they walked and once in the car, the radio filled the silence between them, but was unable to calm Gordon’s nerves. He was always the type of person who hated silence between people. It felt awkward and made him paranoid. He would always talk to keep from letting silence settle between him and someone else, but this time the silence was the conversation. Benrey didn’t need to talk if he didn’t want to. Words didn’t need to be said for them to understand each other.

As Gordon drove, he tried to steal glances at Benrey. His nerves were rising despite how many times he told himself this was alright. He wanted Benrey to say something, for something to break the tension he could feel between them. Was there even tension or was he just imagining it? 

“Gordon?”

“Yes?”

“I..I love you.”

Gordon smiled and looked back to the road. “I love you, too.”

Soon, Gordon parked the car in a parking lot on the edge of the grass. Already he could see families with their children, people walking dogs, teens playing basketball on the court. It was a typical day for the world and Gordon had to accept that this would be his new typical. There was no going back. 

Gordon got out of the car and walked around to Benrey’s side. He helped him out of the car and locked it. Hand in hand, they walked down the main path through the park. Gordon noticed the few people who gave them stares as they passed, but he tried to ignore them. There was nothing wrong with Benrey. This world was his world now and he belonged just like every other person. How many of them had their own dirty secrets that they hid from the public eye? 

Gordon deviated from the path and began to walk into the grass. He walked a couple of feet before he stopped. It was a nice large area of grass that wasn’t being occupied by anyone. A perfect spot. He let go of Benrey’s hand and sat down on the ground. Benrey watched him curiously and unsure. Gordon smiled and patted the grass next to him. Benrey obediently sat down next to him. Gordon then laid down and Benrey followed suit. Above them was a beautiful blue sky with cotton candy clouds lazily drifting in the breeze.

“Hey uh, Feetman, what are we doing?” Benrey asked.

“Cloud gazing. Whenever I was stressed as a kid, my dad would take me into the backyard and we would watch clouds. He’d let me talk as much or as little as I wanted about what I saw in the clouds. Most of the time I’d end up telling him my problems without realizing I was.” 

“What was it like having a dad?” Benrey asked.

“Didn’t you have one?” Gordon knew Benrey probably didn’t remember, but maybe by asking he could get more information about the past that hadn’t been shared or get Benrey to remember.

“I think I did. I mean, I had to have, right? Everyone has a dad. I don’t remember anything other than Black Mesa, but dude, I gotta have an origin story. I hope pops was cool. Maybe he’s why I’m a great cool.” Benrey paused for a moment before he asked, “Do you think I’m cool, Gordon?”

“Of course I do. You’re the coolest guy I know.” 

Benrey rolled over onto his side and propped his head up in his hand. “Yeah, okay, but, have you considered the fact I’m not like maybe the coolest guy? I mean, I know I’m pretty great, dude, but uh, did a lot of shit in BM ya know? Like big bad evil boss shit. Kinda like not great cool actually. Pretty opposite actually.”

“I still think you’re cool. You’re also really cute.” 

Benrey blushed and Gordon chuckled. It was such a cute sight seeing his flustered face. These moments of weakness when Benrey let down his guard were Gordon’s favorite moments. He got to see the real Benrey and not the cool guy facade he tried to put on. Gordon turned his attention back to the clouds and pointed at one.

“That one kinda looks like Sunkist.”

Benrey laid back down on his back and followed Gordon’s finger. “Nah, it looks like a chicken nugget, dude. Not a perfect dog.”

“Bullshit, that totally looks like Sunkist!”

“Holy shit, Feetman, do you even know what Sunkist looks like?”

“Apparently, she looks like a chicken nugget.”

The two of them laughed. They were deep, genuine laughs. The day had been nothing but stress and anxiety and hurt feelings. They had finally found one of the small moments where things felt good and Gordon wanted to stay in it forever, but he knew it would have to pass as all moments do. As the laughter began to die down, Gordon could feel Benrey snuggling up to his arm. 

“Do you think..I can be good like you?” Benrey asked.

“You already are.”

“I mean, being the hero. I’m only a villain. Maybe I got a redemption arc in me, but do you think I’ll ever be able to be like the protagonist who everyone loves and celebrates? Everyone in Black Mesa hated me. I never knew why.” 

“What? Why did they hate you?”

“Dunno, man. People just naturally were mean to me and acted like I had said or done horrible things. I figured I was supposed to be the big bad evil boss in the game since that’s how people acted around me, so I was. I thought making you hate me meant I was doing my job right, but shit fucking hurt. I fucked up, dude. Totally blew it.”

“How’d you blow it?”

“I fell in love with you.”

Gordon smiled and pulled Benrey closer to him. “You didn’t blow it, Benrey. Look, I know I said shitty things to you, but I always loved you. When I stepped away from the game, I couldn’t help but love you. You were my favorite when I thought it was all just a game. I wanted you to show up every single time even if you got under my skin.” 

Benrey pointed up at a cloud. “That looks like a headcrab.”

“Shit, it does.”

Benrey laid his head on Gordon’s chest pointing at different clouds. Gordon didn’t need a verbal response to what he had said. Benrey hearing it was enough. Communication didn’t always have to have responses. It didn’t always have to be with words either. Besides, Gordon knew Benrey was giving him a response in his own way. The entire time he pointed out clouds, Benrey’s other hand was entwined with Gordon’s giving it a squeeze.

_ I forgive you. _

It would take some time to learn Benrey’s silent language, but now that there were no more cables or screens separating them, it would become easier and easier to learn every subtle gesture Benrey would use to communicate. It was hard to imagine Benrey as anything other than a big goofball who liked to mess with people. Gordon couldn’t see a villain hiding behind those eyes. He couldn’t see evil in the toothy smiles Benrey gave. No matter what the people at Black Mesa or even the people in this world may think, Gordon knew Benrey was good. 

“Benrey, why did you trash my room?” 

“ ‘smad.”

“Mad about what?”

“Pissed you off. Didn’t even ask if you wanted me here. I just showed up and wrecked everything. I’m just a big bad...wanted to go back ‘n leave you alone.”

Gordon turned his head and kissed the top of Benrey’s head. “I know you need reassurance and I’ll keep saying it until my voice gives out and even then I’ll find another way to tell you. I love you, Benrey. I want you here more than anything else. Hey, if it helps, why don’t we have a date night?”

Benrey lifted his head. “Date night?”

“Yeah, just the two of us. We can have dinner, watch a movie, play video games, get intimate, whatever we wanna do. Just us.” 

Benrey chuckled and drew a circle on Gordon’s chest with his finger. “Well, Mr. Feetman, if you wanted me in your bed so bad you coulda just asked, bro.”

“Well, I’m not gonna make you do anything you don’t want to, Benrey.”

Benrey leaned in closer and whispered into Gordon’s ear. “I want to be close to you. I want you to touch me for real and kiss me until I stop breathing. Hold me like you’ll never let go. It’s all I want. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” 

Benrey’s hot breath made a shiver go down Gordon’s spine. He was so close and so real. He could feel every word landing on his ear as Benrey spoke. A shiver of pleasure went down his spine. He had only ever imagined this closeness with Benrey in his dreams where he would be rudely awoken by an alarm clock before he got to dick down dream Benrey. 

Gordon sat up and Benrey moved back from him. Gordon stood up and held his hand out to Benrey to help him up. He held onto Benrey’s hand tightly and started walking back towards the parking lot.

“Uh, Feetman? What about cloud watching?” Benrey asked. 

“Later.”

“Oh? Did someone get excite-”

Gordon turned and put an arm around Benrey’s waist while the other pulled him closer. They were chest to chest, nose to nose. Benrey was thrown off guard and his eyes widened as blush danced over his cheeks.

“You’re a real pain in my ass, you know that?” Gordon grumbled. Benrey smiled and pecked Gordon’s nose. 

“Yeah, but I’m  _ your _ pain in the ass, big daddy.”

Gordon let go of him. “Benrey, don’t ever fucking call me that again.” 

“Aw, c’mon! You know you like it.”

Gordon started heading back towards the car with Benrey bouncing behind him, chattering on about stupid nicknames for Gordon and each one was worse than the last. 


	6. Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to congratulate a half-life parody for being the first fic I publicly posted smut in.   
> Also updating sooner than normal bc it's my birthday happy birth to me have frenrey

The door to Gordon’s apartment was roughly thrown open as the duo returned from the park. One thought was very clear on their minds and controlled every step they took. Gordon shut the door behind Benrey and locked it before nearly getting jumped by the smaller male. Benrey jumped into Gordon’s arms hooking his legs around Gordon’s waist. Gordon held him and happily accepted Benrey’s hungry kiss. They stayed like this for a minute before Gordon awkwardly tried to carry Benrey to the bedroom. 

This was actually gonna happen. Gordon was gonna fuck Benrey for real. No pretending his hand was Benrey while wearing a VR suit and headset. This was reality now. Every nerve in Gordon’s body was excited not by the promise of sex, but just the idea of physically touching Benrey. He would be able to see every part of his body properly and make Benrey feel loved and wanted. 

Gordon blindly kicked things aside in his room trying to find the bed. When he felt the edge of the bed against his knees, he promptly threw himself forward slamming Benrey into the mattress. He started kissing at Benrey’s neck, earning soft mewls from him. Benrey wriggled under Gordon and Gordon stopped. 

“Is this alright?” He asked softly.

Benrey had his head turned, unable to make eye contact. His face was flushed and he nervously chewed on his bottom lip. “Quit making me sound like a dumb anime girl from a hentai.”

“Alright, we won’t-”

“I didn’t say for you to not fuck me.” 

Gordon’s face heated up before Benrey pulled him down into another hot kiss. Gordon could feel Benrey working his knee into Gordon’s crotch and the contact was driving him wild. His skin felt hot under his clothes and every touch was electrified. Gordon ran a hand up under Benrey’s hoodie feeling the warm skin. Benrey’s breathing hitched at the touch.

“What’s wrong~? Excited?” Gordon purred.

“Sh-Shut the fuck up, Feetman.” 

Gordon chuckled and pulled the hoodie up over Benrey’s head so he was shirtless. He removed the chullo and tossed it aside. Gordon started kissing at Benrey’s neck before he kissed down his chest and stomach stopping at his lower tummy.

“Fucking  _ Christ _ , Gordon, since when were you this good at foreplay?” Benrey asked.

“Always have been. I just had a headset keeping me back.”

Gordon pulled Benrey’s sweatpants down revealing his underwear and his already slight erection. So Benrey was enjoying this too, huh? Good. That’s how it should be. Benrey let out a noise of complaint and Gordon looked up.

“Not fair, dude. Why am I the only one gettin’ naked here? Fuckin’ disadvantage here. Level the playing field a little, will you? Give me somethin’ good to look at.”

Gordon moved back and pulled his shirt and pants off. He reached up and took out the hair tie as well. If they were gonna do this, might as well let Benrey see it all, right? He smiled and moved back into position on top of Benrey.

“How’s that?” He asked. Benrey tried to reply, but it was mostly gibberish and him fumbling over words. He ended up letting out a sound along the lines of, “ _ HHHHNNG.” _

Gordon got back to work kissing Benrey’s body lovingly, praising every inch he could. Gordon was glad that Benrey didn’t have his sweet voice, otherwise he’d already be drowning in colorful orbs judging by the sounds Benrey was making. Gordon pulled Benrey’s underwear down and promptly got to work giving him a blowjob. 

Benrey yelped in surprise. “Yo what the fuck!?”

Gordon pulled off and looked up at him smiling. “My turn.”

With that, he got back to work and Benrey’s head fell back onto the bed as moan after moan slid out of his throat. Every sound was making Gordon harder and harder. He wanted to know what Benrey would feel like for real. He wanted to see Benrey’s pleasured face under him knowing that he was the one able to make him feel like that. Gordon didn’t care about the sex. All he wanted was the closeness between them and the physical touch. This was as close as Gordon could possibly get to Benrey in this real world since no-clipping wasn’t possible here. 

Benrey pushed at Gordon’s head with his hand and closed his legs.

“St-Stop, Gordon- fuck, I’m gonna fuckin’ explode, dude.”

Gordon popped off and moved up closer so he could kiss his lips. This was probably just as intense for Benrey if not more so. Gordon had no idea if their first fuck in VR really felt pleasurable to Benrey, or if Benrey had merely been pleasured by the sight of Gordon and the reactions he got. Gordon slid off his own underwear and gave himself a few jerks.

“Still wanna do this?” Gordon asked. Benrey nodded eagerly. He spread his legs obediently for him. There was still something that had to be done before they could get down and dirty. After all, Gordon wasn’t looking to hurt Benrey during his most likely first time. At least, the first time since becoming real. Gordon opened a drawer on his nightstand and fished around before pulling out a bottle of lube. Benrey watched him confused and desperate.

“Uh?”

“Trust me, honey.”

Gordon put some of the lube on his forefinger before carefully inserting it. He worked it in and out a few times before adding another. Just this small action was already driving Benrey crazy. There was no way he was going to last long and that was okay. Whatever happened was okay with Gordon, even if Benrey quit in the middle. Just being this close to him was enough. Gordon leaned in closer as he worked his fingers in and out and gently nipped at Benrey’s neck.

He worked his teeth and tongue over the soft skin leaving his mark. Benrey might have thought he was the dominant force with all his teasing and jokes, but Gordon was gonna prove that he had Benrey at his mercy in bed. Benrey was wrapped around Gordon’s finger, giving in to every touch and kiss given to him, begging for more. Always more. 

Benrey reached up and put a hand on the back of Gordon’s neck as he moaned. His eyes were half lidded and teary from pure bliss, lips parted with only Gordon’s name on them. Every part of Benrey was beautiful and the sight filled Gordon’s chest with the deepest kind of love he had ever felt. He was hopeless, madly, and deeply in love with Benrey. 

Gordon removed his fingers and readied himself. 

“Okay?” 

“O-Okay,”

Gordon lined himself up and carefully pushed in, making sure to not go any faster than Benrey could handle. Benrey’s face screwed up in pain at first, but once Gordon was fully in, the pain dissolved into ecstasy. Gordon panted unable to ignore his own pleasure. 

“I love you,” he breathed out. “You’re so wonderful. So perfect.”

“Gordon-”

Gordon moved a hand to Benrey’s face to gently caress his cheek. His love was swelling inside him, threatening to burst right out of Gordon’s chest. If that was how he was to die, he would happily die if it meant having Benrey as his. Benrey started becoming blurry in his vision and Gordon tried to blink away the forming tears. Benrey immediately became concerned, snapping out of his pleasured trance.

“Gordon?”

Gordon wiped at his eyes behind his glasses. “I’m sorry, I’m okay.”

“No, you..you wanna stop? This no good?”

Gordon shook his head. “No, it’s so perfect. I’m so happy, Benrey. I fucking love you so much. I..I never thought I’d ever be able to kiss you. I wanted to make you feel loved so badly so you knew just how much you meant to me, but I couldn’t. You’re real now. You’re actually real and physical and..”

The tears slid down his cheeks as Gordon lost control. It may have been pathetic to cry during sex, but the didn’t care. He didn’t care if Benrey saw or even teased him about it. This was the happiest and most loved he had been in years. Gordon had been so alone for so long he had forgotten what the gentle loving touch of another person could feel like. 

Benrey reached up and gently wiped the tears away. He kissed Gordon’s nose and pressed their foreheads together.

“Let it out,” he said in a whisper. “I love you.” 

Gordon let out his tears until there were no more tears to shed. It felt so cathartic and Gordon leaned into Benrey’s hold as it finally ended. Benrey kissed his forehead.

“Better?”

“Yeah, much better.”

“Good, now finish what you started, Feetman.”

Gordon adjusted himself trying to shake off the moment and get back into the zone. Benrey kissed him again and Gordon began to move. Soon, he was moving at a steady pace as Benrey moaned under him. He hooked his legs around Gordon and hugged him close. It all felt so wonderful and perfect. It was more than just sex. Benrey and Gordon were finally being united in the real world and giving themselves over to their new found relationship. It was the moment that solidified all of it for both of them.

Benrey’s grip on Gordon tightened and he sunk his teeth into his neck. The bite burned more than a normal bite would due to how sharp his teeth were and Gordon hissed in pain. As Benrey bit him, Gordon could feel him twitching and writhing under him, moans and whimpers rolling out of his throat. Benrey was cumming and the sight drove Gordon over the edge. He followed right after.

Benrey released his bite and the two of them laid their panting covered in sweat. Gordon’s brain was swimming and it was hard to focus. He could only imagine that Benrey felt the same. Benrey gently kissed the deep, bleeding bite on Gordon’s shoulder.

“Sorry,” He said.

“s'all right. Was kinda nice.” 

Benrey ran his fingers through Gordon’s hair, pushing it back so he could look at his face. Gordon wondered what thoughts were going on inside his head. Was it love? Fascination? Did he still regret coming to the real world? Gordon moved so he was laying next to Benrey and after some shifting, Benrey went right back to playing with Gordon’s hair. It soothed him almost to sleep. 

“Gordon?” 

Gordon opened his eyes and turned his head to look at Benrey.

“I’m sorry about how I used to be. I was such an asshole to you, probably still am. I’m not used to someone being so nice to me like this. I showed up just unannounced without permission and-”

“Hey, take a breath. What would help you feel more reassured about me wanting you here? I’m happy to keep saying it as many times as you want.” Gordon said. Benrey shrugged in response.

“What if I got something to sorta be like your sweet voice? You could use that to communicate when it’s hard for you.”

“Maybe..”

Gordon pulled Benrey close to his chest and kissed him. Benrey moved his head into the crook of Gordon’s neck. They would get through this rough patch together. He wanted Benrey here more than anything and Gordon would do everything he could to help him feel it. Benrey’s anxiety and fear didn’t make him any less loved or any less of a person. 

“What happens to us now?” Benrey asked in a whisper.

“We live. We keep on living until we can’t anymore. We’ll get through it together, I promise. You belong here. I know you do.”

“D-Do we got an objective, though? How..how does this world work?”

“Objective one, get back Benrey’s memories,” Gordon said. “We’ll try and get you to remember before Black Mesa. If you are from this world, you’ve got to have a family. They probably miss you. I mean, I’d miss you if I lost you.”

“You mean..I’m..?”

“Family? In a way, yeah. I mean, you’re my boyfriend now so you count as family just not the related kind.” Benrey’s eyes widened and he beamed. He sat up in bed and looked back down to Gordon.

“Dude! We’re  _ boyfriends _ ?” Benrey exclaimed. 

“Yeah? You didn’t think we were?” Gordon laughed.

“Shit, bro! I’ve been trying to get you to be my boyfriend for like fucking ages! Why do you think I kept flirting with you during a fucking apocalypse?”

“Because you’re an asshole?”

“No, because you’re cute as shit and I wanted to smooch that stupid scientist face!” Benrey grabbed Gordon’s face and kissed him. He then peppered Gordon’s face with butterfly kisses as Gordon giggled. Gordon reached up and grabbed Benrey giving him a big bear hug as both of them laughed. Benrey appeared so carefree and excited and Gordon couldn’t help but also feel light as a feather. 

Their joy only lasted a short moment before Gordon’s cell phone began to ring. He looked over and felt his stomach drop looking at the name. There went the worry-free bliss. He reached over and picked up. 

“Hello?” Gordon asked. A chipper female voice answered.

_ “Hey, Gordon! Sorry to call such last minute. I have to go to a business expo down in Texas to represent the company and I really need someone to watch Josh. I’d get a babysitter, but he’s insisting you watch him.” _

“Oh uh, yeah. I can watch Joshua. I don’t mind. I’d love to have him. When would you be dropping him off?”

_ “Would tomorrow morning be okay? I’ll still be around, but I’d rather get him settled with you before heading out of state. Just in case, ya know?” _

“Yeah, of course. That’s fine with me. I’ll be here all day. I’ll see you then.”

_ “Thanks, Gordon! You’re the best!” _

Gordon hung up and looked over to Benrey meeting his eyes. His smile was no longer present. He could see the confusion in Benrey’s eyes as his mind tried to process the one sided conversation he had just heard. Gordon cleared his throat awkwardly. He had told Benrey before about this when they were in Black Mesa, but apparently Benrey had forgotten that it was a real fact. 

“My son, Josh. He’s coming to stay with us tomorrow. His mom is going out of town.” 

Benrey frowned before lying down with his back to Gordon.


	7. Désolé

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if any of the French is wrong in this chapter. I'm a native English speaker so I had to translate the best I could and I tried to triple check it, but I know mistakes can still be made. Thank for all the love on this story <3

A red light flashed in his eyes as the alarms blared. Aliens from Xen poured out of the portal before him and Benrey was frozen in place, unable to stop it. He could hear the screams of the innocent scientists as they were ripped apart, their blood spattering on the walls. He wanted to throw up, but a primal part of him wanted to join his Xen kin. He wanted to make them pay for the pain they caused him. 

Benrey’s body morphed into a larger form, multiple arms sticking out in different directions. Duplicate eyes opening on his face looking around the room at potential victims. The world transformed around him to the red cavern and Benrey could see the science team in front of him. Gordon’s gun was aimed right at him.

_ “Don’t shoot, bro.” _ Benrey pleaded. His words fell silent on Gordon’s ears and he began to fire. The bullets sunk into Benrey’s skin and, despite being much larger than the bullets, he could feel each impact and the burning pain. The unending alarms blared in his ears as Gordon continued to unload on Benrey, even as he begged for him to stop. The look of hate in Gordon’s eyes terrified Benrey to the core. Gordon wanted him dead.

Benrey’s eyes opened as his dream startled him awake. His head was laying on Gordon’s bare chest and he could hear the loud beeping from his nightmare, but it was not from an emergency alarm. It was Gordon’s alarm clock. Gordon shifted and turned it off. He yawned and ran his hand through Benrey’s hair.

“Morning.” Gordon said sleepily. Benrey didn’t reply. The nightmare lingered in his mind haunting him. He pressed his cheek against Gordon's warm chest more trying to make the memory disappear. He wanted to forget the look in Gordon’s face and never see it again. He knew things were different now, but he couldn’t get the final battle out of his mind. 

“Hungry?” Gordon asked. Benrey didn’t want to get up. He didn’t want to let go of Gordon. However, food was probably a good idea especially with the bullshit that Benrey was going to have to deal with today. Today was when the stupid kid was being dropped off. 

Gordon moved out from under Benrey and got up stretching. He pulled on his boxers and pj pants as Benrey snuggled down into the warm covers. Gordon ruffled Benrey’s hair before he left the room. Benrey wanted to go back to bed and sleep through the day, but the emptiness of the bed began to make his skin crawl uncomfortably. He wanted his warm, cuddly Gordon back. 

He rolled out of the bed and pulled on his own boxers and Gordon’s shirt. It was slightly big on him and sagged on one shoulder. He hadn’t realized how small he was compared to Gordon in reality. In the game, he was able to change his size at will and be whatever he wanted. He could be bigger than Gordon, or small enough to fit in his pocket. Here in the real world, Benrey was stuck as one size. It sucked ass.

Benrey followed the smell of coffee to the kitchen and pressed against Gordon’s back, hugging him from behind. He didn’t want anyone to show up and ruin their time together. Why couldn’t he just keep Gordon all to himself? Why did he have to share him with some snot nosed brat? Sure it was Gordon’s kid, but it also wasn’t. It had a mother that had once held Gordon like Benrey was doing now. 

The idea of Gordon with anyone other than Benrey made his blood boil. He had worked so hard to get to this point and he didn’t want to give Gordon up to anyone. Had his ex thought these same thoughts once as she eagerly expected their child? Had she held Gordon hoping for a happy future just the two of them like Benrey did? What happened to make Gordon give that all up?

Benrey was pulled out of his thoughts as Gordon chuckled.

“Someone’s clingy this morning~” Gordon purred. He turned slightly so he could hook an arm around Benrey in a half hug. “You want breakfast?”

Benrey nodded and buried his face into Gordon’s back. Gordon grabbed his mug of coffee, but put it right back down as the doorbell rang. He separated himself from Benrey’s arms leaving him feeling even emptier than before. 

“That must be Marcie.” Gordon said. Benrey watched him leave the kitchen as the words turned over in his brain a few times.

“Marcie..?” Benrey asked the empty room. A horrible feeling began to creep into his stomach. He had to know what the face of Gordon’s past love looked like. Benrey followed Gordon out and hid behind the door frame to the kitchen. He could see the front door from here as Gordon opened it. 

Standing outside was some woman with ginger hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. She was dressed in a white button up and dress pants. She was smiling and seemed friendly enough, but Benrey only felt hatred looking at her. A five year old clung to her side. He looked like the spitting image of Gordon.

The five year old noticed Benrey watching and hid more behind his mother in fear. The two adults observed the child’s fear and followed his gaze to Benrey’s hiding spot. He tried to move back to remain unseen, but it was too late.

“Oh, Benrey, come here and meet Josh.” Gordon said with a smile. Benrey slowly crept out from his hiding place and over to Gordon. Benrey looked to the child, and then to Gordon unsure. Gordon took his hand and looked back to Joshua.

“Josh, this is Benrey. He likes video games just like you. Maybe if you ask nicely he’ll play games with you.”

Joshua moved closer as his fear seemed to fade and Benrey moved back instinctively now the frightened one. He wanted this  _ thing _ to go away. He wanted to shut his eyes and forget it existed. There wasn’t a kid in front of him. Gordon’s ex wasn’t standing in front of him, judging him. Joshua looked confused and Gordon squeezed Benrey’s hand.

“It’s alright,” he said softly. 

“Is he okay?” Marcie asked with concern.

“He’s just very shy,” Gordon explained, trying to give Benrey a good first impression. Benrey didn’t care about first impressions and what Marcie thought of him. Benrey wanted to strangle her. How dare she fake concern for him. Benrey pulled his hand out of Gordon’s. Without the sweet voice, he had no way of letting out his anger without anyone knowing, so he turned to the only remaining language he had. The language of hate.

“ Putain de merde . ” he mumbled. Gordon’s eyes widened in surprise. Benrey took another step back from the little family in front of him.

“Gonna go make breakfast, bro. Fuck this happy family bullshit.” Benrey turned and headed back for the kitchen. He stood in the kitchen reeling from what just happened. Benrey didn’t actually know how to cook. He just needed an excuse to get out of there. He could hear them talking in hushed voices, probably talking shit. Let them talk. Benrey was the one who had Gordon now, not her. She could guilt trip all she wanted, but she wasn’t getting Gordon back while Benrey was around. He had worked way too hard to give up now. 

Arms wrapped around him from behind and Benrey jumped in surprise. He shoved his elbow back slamming it right into Gordon’s nose. He let go of Benrey and backed up holding his nose. Benrey gasped and quickly tried to reach for him.

“Holy shit, dude! I’m so sorry! Gordon, you scared the fuck outta me!” Benrey said. Gordon checked one of his hands. When he saw his nose wasn’t bleeding, he let go of it and turned his attention back to Benrey.

“It’s alright. I shouldn’t have come up on you like that. You alright? Josh is unpacking in the guest room.”

Benrey nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just..not used to the cutesy family shit.”

“I understand it can be hard. I’ll tell you everything about it later if you want, but I need to ask you about what happened back there with Josh. ” Gordon said.

“Petit salaud.” Benrey said bitterly, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Yeah, that. What does that mean and since when did you speak French?”

Benrey blinked confused. What the fuck was Gordon talking about? What the hell was a French?

“What you just said, petit salaud, that’s French right?” Gordon asked. 

“Bro, I don’t know what the fuck a French is. That’s Xenithan and yeah I speak it. I get mad sometimes and use it because it feels better in my mouth to say curse words in Xenithan than in stupid English.” Benrey explained with a slight huff. “It all sounds the fucking same to me. Is that a problem, Feetman?”

“No, Benrey, it’s not a problem, but that’s not Xenithan. Xen doesn’t exist, it was part of a video game. That was French, a language here in the real world. I guess they made the alien language French in the game?” Gordon ran a hand through his hair. “It makes sense to use another language, but it’s kinda dick move on the game director.”

“Wow, way to dismiss my home, Feetman. Totally an epic fail. Hashtag cancel Gordon Feetman. No wonder Earth was gettin’ raided.” Benrey said. Gordon looked at him bewildered. 

“Benrey, it wasn’t real! You know it was just a game! You even said yourself you’re from this world and not from Black Mesa! Xen isn’t your home!” Gordon said.

“Yeah? Well, it’s all I can remember, so it’s my home!” Benrey argued, raising his voice some. “Sorry not all of us can have a fucking happy ending like you did before you threw it away!”

“Wh- What are you  _ talking _ about?”

“I’m talking about that noob shitlord in your guest room! About that I’m-better-than-you bitch who kept staring at me like I was lower than her! You threw them away already so who’s to say you won’t do the same to me, huh? What, is lil baby Feetman not happy with his perfect little family? Rather date a fucking alien from space, huh? Get your rocks off by being a good guy to the villain?” Benrey yelled.

“Benrey, I don’t know what the fuck has gotten into you, but you need to calm down.” Gordon said, trying to keep his voice steady. “We can work through this, alright? Let’s just talk about this-”

“SHUT UP!” 

Benrey could feel the familiar rage building up inside him. He wanted to destroy things. He wanted to wipe that stupid look of authority off Gordon’s face. What the fuck did he know that made him better? 

_ “I hate you with my life!” _

What did Gordon have to even gain from this? What was even redeemable about Benrey that made Gordon do a complete 180 from pure hate to loving him? Benrey was the villain of this story and that’s all he’d ever be no matter how badly he wanted to rewrite the ending. Coming to the real world made no difference. Benrey was a monster no matter where he was. Everyone would hate him and he was destined to be alone. 

Benrey’s teeth dug into his bottom lip as he stood before Gordon in the kitchen trying to hold back the rage. His eyes stung as tears clouded his vision. The Gordon in front of him flickered between the concerned boyfriend to the angry scientist in the HEV suit.

_ “I wish I could kill you!” _

Benrey could feel the phantom pains of the bullets slashing open his face as the science team watched on like it was a conversation between friends. Benrey desperately tried to calm the rage with his sweet voice, not even knowing if it would make Gordon stop or not. He could feel the blood dripping down off his face. He could hear the whirr of the machine gun and Gordon’s yelling. 

_ “Fuck you, Benrey!”  _

The gun arm being slammed into his face over and over again as he was pinned against the wall. Benrey could hardly speak in order to plead for Gordon to stop. His mouth was filling with blood. There wasn’t any love in Gordon, only anger and a fierce determination to kill Benrey and rid his life of the security guard. This was all fake. None of this was real. None of it was-

Benrey jumped opening his eyes as fingers gently touched his face to wipe away tears. The confusion in Gordon’s eyes was gone and was replaced with the soft concern that always made Benrey’s heart melt. Gordon tried to pull him into a hug, but Benrey pushed him back.

“D-Don’t fuckin’ touch me, dude.” He said firmly.

“I’m sorry.” Gordon’s voice was hushed. Benrey hugged himself unable to stop trembling. He rubbed his face with his right hand imagining the bullet holes and the blood dampening his shirt. Why wouldn’t these memories go away? Why did it feel so real to him? Benrey looked down at his trembling hand as it seemed to change places to one within his memory.

_ His left eye was swollen, blood running down his face from his broken nose. His hands trembled as he tried to wipe the blood away. They were moving closer to him and his back was already firmly pressed up against the brick. He could hear their snide remarks and hateful words as the two of them grew closer. He was going to die here. He was going to die alone in this alleyway. They halted as barking and snarling grew closer.  _

_ Benrey tried to see the source, but soon his vision was blocked by golden fur that stood as a barrier between him and his attackers. He could faintly hear her owner’s voice yelling her name. She did not stand down. She was his protector, his angel and guardian. The perfect dog. _

Benrey snapped back to reality and looked around the kitchen startled. Gordon had moved back from him and Joshua was now hugging his leg watching Benrey with curious eyes. Benrey met his eyes for a moment before he glared back. He didn’t need this child’s pity. Villains didn’t bow down to children. They defeated them, made them cry, became the nightmare in their dreams. 

“Petit salaud.” Benrey hissed at him before he left the kitchen bee-lining for Gordon’s room. He slammed the door shut behind him and slunk down to the floor with a sigh. He desperately wished to go back into Black Mesa and leave this nightmare behind. He might have been completely hated there, but he had never been constantly plagued with these thoughts when he was in the computer.   
Benrey couldn’t even keep his thoughts straight long enough to figure out why he hated Joshua that much. At first he had assumed it to be the jealous rage of seeing the product of Gordon’s ex relationship, but now his thoughts circled around the abandonment. Gordon had abandoned that child and his mother. He had the perfect family and he just left them behind. If his standards were that high, when would he decide Benrey was too much and just abandon him as well? He didn’t have Marcie’s pretty looks or Joshua’s innocent nature. All Benrey had was his uniform and a head full of scattered memories. 

There was no way Benrey could keep staying here, even if he was madly in love with Gordon. It wasn’t right to think he could be part of this world. He wasn’t anything more than a monster to be defeated and put in its place. No matter what world he was in, Benrey could never win. Code or no code, he would always lose with someone else as the victor. 

There was a knock on the door behind him. It was too small and low in position to be Gordon. What the hell did Joshua want with him?

“What?” Benrey asked.

“Are you okay, Benny? Dad said you’re really sad and I don’t want you to be sad.”

Benrey’s whole body froze. 

“Benny,” Benrey echoed. “I..that..that’s me. I’m..” 

It was like a dense fog in his brain had been lifted. Memories Benrey had never known to exist before flooded over him like a warm, comforting tidal wave. It wasn’t all there and most of his memory still seemed to be fogged up, but he could see the lighthouse’s warm light through the fog. He suddenly got up off the floor and opened the door. Joshua looked up at him with large brown eyes full of childish innocence. Benrey scooped him up off the floor.

“Kid, you have no idea what good you just did.” Benrey said, smiling. He expected his teeth to scare Joshua, but instead the kid smiled back. 

“I did good?”

“Very good. Where is your dad?”

“Watching the tv.”

Benrey carried Joshua into the living room and immediately stood in front of the couch blocking Gordon’s view. Benrey could see fear shoot into Gordon’s eyes as he spotted Joshua in Benrey’s arms. It didn’t fucking matter anymore if Gordon was afraid of him or saw him as a threat to his son.

“Benrey, what’s-” Gordon started.

“Benny Harris.”

“What? Who?”

Benrey smiled a big toothy grin and pointed a thumb at himself. “That’s me, Feetman! I’m Benny Harris! I’m a fucking human being too!”


	8. Player Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to Dumb-Incorporations for helping with Benrey's french and writing a portion of the Smash Bros scene in this chapter! Still sorry if there are any language mistakes. 
> 
> Never thought this spin off would not only be this long, but have this much plot and angst oof. Don't worry, it'll be better for gordon and benrey soon
> 
> !!Trigger Warning!!   
> This chapter has a moment of Benrey's PTSD which involves self-harm via head banging into a computer monitor.

Gordon’s brain seemed to have completely left the server as he stared at Benrey in shock. Shouldn’t he be happy by this news? Gordon should have been smiling or congratulating Benrey or some other cheesy shit like that. At least, that’s what Benrey wanted to happen. If he really was a person too, then he was on an equal playing field with Marcie. There wasn’t anything she had now that Benrey didn’t. The only thing he could possibly think of was that she looked more human than Benrey did. 

“Earth to Feetman,” Benrey said waving a hand in front of Gordon’s eyes. Gordon refocused on Benrey as Josh giggled. 

“I..I don’t understand. How do you remember?” Gordon asked.

“Lil foot here came to check on me and called me Benny and it just kinda spawned right in my head, bro. Maybe petit salaud ain’t that bad after all. I mean, he is a little Gordon.”

“Is that me?” Josh asked. “Petty saloo?” 

“Salaud,” Benrey said, correcting him. “And yes.”

“I have no idea what you’re saying, but Josh don’t repeat that.” Gordon said. Benrey rolled his eyes. Gordon may have been right in assuming that Benrey was saying curse words in Xenithan, but he ruined the fun of corrupting Mini Gordon. Benrey still hated the kid despite what he had just done to help. Josh would always be a glaring reminder of what Gordon once had and what Benrey would always be compared to, whether Gordon knew he was comparing or not.

“Alright, so you remember your name. That means we can research you better and maybe find your family. They probably miss you. I mean, who knows how long you were in Black Mesa? I still don’t even know how it’s possible.” Gordon took Josh from Benrey’s arms and put him down so the two of them could talk. Josh ran off happily without a care in the world. Benrey watched him run out of the room. He wished he could be that carefree. 

“There’s something else I’d like to talk to you about, Benrey. I think you need therapy.”

“Therapy?”

“Yes. The final battle clearly messed you up in the head and I don’t want to see you struggling with this. You’ve had a lot of episodes since you came to this world. I want you to talk to me about it, Benrey. I promise I don’t want to hurt you. I love you.”

Benrey swallowed and looked away. He didn’t want to keep thinking about that fight. It was painful to bring up, even in passing. He knew it was his job to be the villain and to try to defeat the science team, but he just couldn’t shake the thought that maybe he wasn’t supposed to be the villain. Maybe he was the victim. 

“Hey,” Gordon tilted Benrey’s chin up to make him look at Gordon. “Remember that objective we had? We just completed it, you know. You remembered. That’s definitely an achievement.”

“I got an achievement?” Benrey asked. Gordon nodded and kissed him. It was quick and left Benrey wanting more. He couldn’t deny how badly he loved Gordon even as his heart and mind were twisted in a back and forth battle about his fate. Even if Gordon really did hate him and was completely lying to him, he would still have possession of Benrey’s heart until the day Benrey was deleted. 

“Totally, honey. Benrey, I need to run some errands today. Can you watch Josh?”

“You want  _ me _ to watch him? You trust me?”

“I trust you completely. Just play some video games or something. Besides, didn’t you used to be a security guard?” Gordon teased. 

Benrey shrugged. “Dunno, man. Thought I was, but maybe I wasn’t. Don’t worry about lil foot though, I’ll keep an eye on him. Just don’t take too long or I might eat him.” Benrey made a biting motion with his teeth a few times. Gordon smiled and punched Benrey’s upper arm playfully before he kissed him once more. Benrey stayed lingering on Gordon’s lips as he started to walk away from him to go back down the hall to the bedroom. 

The last thing he wanted was to be alone with Joshua, but how could Benrey say no to those beautiful honey eyes and Gordon’s loving voice? Benrey watched him walk away unable to quit looking at his sexy butt. Yeah, he had it bad for Gordon and the thought of him being all Benrey’s sent his mind into a fit. He’d probably glitch out if he was still in the game. He sighed lovingly leaning against the wall. 

“Benny?” 

Benrey jumped with a shout and looked down to see Joshua staring back up at him.

“Jesus fuck, kid. Where the hell did you come from?”

“You say a lot of angry words. Are you still sad?”

_ Jesus fucking Christ, Gordon how much of a dad could you possibly be? _ Benrey thought. He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck as Josh continued to stare expectantly at him.

“Well, I was. Got better, ya know? You know about angry words?”

“Yeah, dad said they’re bad and I shouldn’t say them, but sometimes adults like dad say them because of being angry. I heard dad say angry words before. He used to say a lot of angry words with mom.”

Benrey’s heart sank. “Oh, did he?”

“Yeah, but it’s okay. He said sorry.” Joshua said. He went over to the couch and sat down. Benrey followed. He had planned to ask Gordon about this all later, but talking to his son was probably the best way to get the story. After all, kids didn’t lie. Maybe kids didn’t understand the whole situation and Benrey would have to get things clarified later, but they usually told the whole truth as they experienced it. 

“What happened between your mom and dad?” Benrey asked. It felt weird talking like this. He never talked to kids since there were none in Black Mesa. How would Gordon handle this? He would know how to deal with kids. Gordon could do literally anything.

“Well, they said angry words a lot and sometimes mom cried. Dad always said something about mom and Auntie Debbie and it made mom more sad.”

“Was Auntie Debbie bad?” Benrey asked. Joshua shook his head no.

“She’s super nice to me and lives with us now! I think she’s gonna be my mom too!”

Oh. So Marcie left Gordon for someone else.

Benrey briefly began to think horrible thoughts about Marcie and her actions, things he shouldn’t ever say aloud in front of a child. As the cloud of anger began to fill his mind, a spark flickered in the middle of it presenting a wonderful idea. Benrey smiled and threw an arm over the back of the couch relaxing more.

“How would you like two dads to match?” Benrey asked. Joshua’s eyes seemed to grow two times their original size. He bounced eagerly on the couch.

“Are you gonna be my dad too, Benny?!” 

Benrey shrugged. “Maybe. Who knows. Depends on if your dadders likes me enough to keep me around. I think he’s just sad I beat him in all the video games.”

“Are you really that good?” Josh moved closer to Benrey in his excitement. The close proximity set Benrey’s whole body on edge, but he couldn’t move away from the excited kid in front of him without getting up off the couch. Josh was too damn close and as far as Benrey was concerned he was still a stranger. 

“Easy there, lil foot. I’ll show you my skills later.” He gently pushed the kid back some so he got the hint to sit back down on his side of the couch. This didn’t stop his bouncing, however. 

“This is awesome! I’m gonna get two Christmases!” Joshua shouted. 

“Heh, yeah man.” Benrey replied. He had no fucking idea what a Christmas was. Oh God, he wanted Gordon to come home already. This kid was so confusing and he hated how loud and active he was. Maybe if he played his cards right he could lock himself in the bedroom away from Joshua and be alone until Gordon came back. 

“Benny? Can we play smash?” Joshua asked.

“Uh, sure.” Benrey said. “Haven’t played in awhile, but I’ll still kick your ass.”

Joshua cheered and hurried to set up the game. Benrey had a faint memory of the game from the time before Black Mesa. He knew it had changed since the last time he played it thanks to conversations from Gordon. He had limited access to the internet even with being inside a computer and most of Benrey’s information came from anything he could grab right from Gordon’s computer. Benrey had attempted hopping between games via Gordon’s steam library before, but he had never made it into one successfully.

Joshua turned the switch on and handed Benrey the controls. Benrey looked down at the controls confused. It reminded him of the xbox 360 controls mixed with his playstation. He could totally get the hang of this after a few rounds and since Josh was a kid it would be easy to kick his ass. He let Josh take the lead in setting up a one-on-one fight and the kid immediately picked Kirby. Benrey looked over the characters and decided to try one who looked super dumb. Something called a “mii fighter.” It looked stupid as hell. Perfect.

The first few rounds, Benrey struggled to keep up. He had no idea what the controls were and Josh actually began kicking his ass. His rage began to build up with each loss. Joshua’s giggles were like a cheese grater against Benrey’s ears. He gritted his teeth and tried to focus on the controls more. He wasn’t about to let a kid beat him. Benrey knew letting out his frustrations in Xenithan would be worthless on Josh, but maybe he could fuck with Gordon some. Kids were prone to blindly copy.

“Ah merde, petit pied, je vais te botter le cul. Regarde-moi, putain.”

“What’s that mean, Benny?”

“ça ne vous concerne pas.” Benrey managed to throw Kirby off the screen while Josh was distracted. 

With a small squeal of excitement, Joshua cried out a “Merde!” in his best imitation of Benrey. Benrey could tell by the way Joshua was giggling that he had absolutely no idea what he was saying. Benrey smiled, he loved corrupting Gordon’s kid. It was too easy and felt like a beautiful revenge for even letting this kid come over in the first place. 

Not to mention Joshua was an adorable, smaller carbon copy of Gordon. Benrey tried to imagine Gordon at this age and could only imagine Joshua with a few facial changes. He bet Gordon was one of those super shy kids unlike fucking annoying Joshua who just threw Benrey off the level again.

The worst part? Josh was button mashing and had no actual strategy for beating Benrey. He was just lucky that Benrey had never played on a switch before. For a moment, Benrey almost found it adorable how hard he was trying to fight Benrey like he had to prove himself. Little eager gamer in training. For a brief moment, Benrey thought that maybe he wouldn’t mind losing to little foot. After all, the kid looked so happy when he was winning like it was the greatest thing in the world. Benrey could see a young version of himself behind that smiling face.

“Tu n'es pas si mauvais, petit pied.” Benrey smiled down at the kid, teeth and all. He’d hoped to scare the kid a little, maybe throw him off his game and remind him who the big bad boss was, but Josh just grinned broadly back at him proudly showing off his baby teeth and the beginnings of a tooth gap.

“Petty pee’d!” Joshua copied “Who’s petty and why did they pee?”

Benrey snorted as he tried to keep himself from laughing. Holy shit Joshua’s Xenithan was fucking terrible. He didn’t expect Gordon to have taught him since there was no way Gordon knew the language himself. Maybe that was something he could teach Josh? It could ease Gordon’s fears by having them “bond” and he could teach Josh horrible things to happily say to his mother and no one would ever know. God, that would be just perfect.

“It's ‘petit pied’,” Benrey made sure to enunciate properly as he corrected him. “Means little foot. That’s you. Cause your dad is Feetman. So that makes you the smaller, baby version. Said with love, promise bro.” Benrey didn’t realize how true the words were until he said them out loud. It had meant to be sarcasm, but as they left his mouth they sounded too genuine. Did he actually like Josh? Sure it was cool to have a little gamer he could teach, but Josh was just Gordon’s dirty laundry. He meant nothing to Benrey. Maybe. Fuck.

“Benny?” Joshua asked.

“Ye?”

“Are you gonna be my new dad for real?”

Benrey chuckled. “Didn’t I answer this before? Depends on if your dad likes me enough. I don’t get to choose, Lil Foot.”

“Do you want to be?”

Well, shit. Benrey hadn’t expected to be asked that by a five year old kicking his ass in smash bros. Did he want to marry Gordon? Benrey had never thought that far out, actually. He never thought too far out to begin with. He was the type who focused on the present and forgot the past. It wasn’t worth remembering what hurt you after all, unless your memories were no good bitches who creep up on you when you try to sleep so you lie awake staring at the ceiling in Gordon’s room until six in the morning when you pass out from exhaustion. 

“I, uh, I guess?” Benrey replied. He kept his eyes on the screen as another round began. “Your dad means a lot to me. It’d be real fuckin’ sad if he didn’t care.”

Why was he telling Josh this? Why did it matter?

“I care, Benny. You’re really cool!”

“You..mean that? I don’t scare you?” Benrey stared at Josh amazed. He nodded eagerly.

“You’re not scary, Benny! You’re the coolest! Do you wanna be scary?” 

Benrey shook his head no and paused the game. 

“No, I don’t, lil foot. I don’t wanna be scary, but..people think I am.” He didn’t need to unload on a kid like this, but the words were trickling from his mouth without his knowledge. Already it felt like he could tell Joshua his thoughts without being judged, but it also felt wrong. The kid didn’t know shit and it wasn’t fair to subject him to Benrey’s own mental anguish. 

“Why?”

“Well..see, where I come from, people think I’m the big bad boss at the end of the video game and I was. I didn’t wanna be the bad boss, but I ended up being one. Your dad had to fight me. Super cringe.” 

“You and dad fought?” Joshua asked. Benrey nodded.

“Yeah. We did. He was the good guy and I was...am..the bad guy. He had to..they, um,” the memories were starting to resurface and Benrey could feel himself trembling. It was not overtaking him yet, but he could hear the roar of the wave as he readied itself to crash down on him and sweep him away. He bit at his bottom lip and gripped the controller tighter. Gunfire echoed in his ears as the world became muffled around him.

“Benny?” Joshua reached over and touched Benrey’s arm. It was enough to start grounding him. He tried to focus on Josh’s face. The kid had freckles. He hadn’t noticed them before. Did Gordon have freckles too? Benrey silently started counting the dots as Joshua looked at him. He couldn’t break down again not with Gordon gone. 

“Benny?” Josh asked again. “Are you okay?”

Benrey whined and shook his head no. He couldn’t speak. Joshua snuggled closer hugging Benrey, unsure how to help. The closeness set off alarms in Benrey’s head and he felt trapped. He wanted to pry Joshua off him, but he couldn’t even think straight. His mind screamed to shove Josh away, hit him, claw him, escape. The tiny shred of his brain that was still together knew not to harm him and so he was forced into internal screaming and being frozen with fear.

Benrey couldn’t take it anymore. He pushed Joshua off him and got up quickly. His legs trembled and he struggled to walk straight as the wave of panic came down over him. He had to get out of here. He had to get out of here. He had to-

Benrey leaned on Gordon’s bedroom door being pulled into reality by the feeling of wood against his hands. He pushed the door open and nearly fell forward. Benrey stumbled over to the desktop and grabbed the mouse opening up gmod. He wanted to go back. He couldn’t handle being plagued by these thoughts anymore. 

Once the game loaded up in front of Benrey and he could see the beautiful pixels of Black Mesa, he pressed a hand to the screen. It stopped on the glass and did not pass through. He whimpered and pushed his other hand on the monitor. Why wasn’t it working? Why couldn’t he go back? 

Benrey slammed his hands against the monitor a few times.

“LET ME IN!” He screamed. Benrey moved closer and slammed his head into the monitor a couple times. He could faintly hear Josh shouting his name and saying something, but none of it registered in his brain as words. Benrey kept at this as his thoughts all clouded together. He slowed as tears stung his eyes, but didn’t stop hitting his head into the monitor. If he kept trying, maybe he could go back in.

Hands much too big to be Joshua suddenly grabbed his arms from behind and pulled him back from the computer. Benrey struggled against the hold screaming in fear. He didn’t want to be killed. He didn’t want to be shot anymore. He didn’t want this. 

“Benrey!” Benrey was forcibly turned around to come face to face with Gordon. When had he gotten back and how did he get back so fast? Gordon had a strong grip on Benrey’s upper arms to keep him in place.

“Benrey! Benrey, look at me! It’s not real, it’s not happening. You’re safe.” Gordon said. Benrey was near hyperventilating. Gordon guided him over to the bed and had him sit down before letting go. Gordon kneeled down in front of him.

“Ben, hey, Benrey, tell me about Heavenly Sword.” 

“S..Sword?” Benrey echoed. 

“That’s your favorite game, right? What’s it about?” Gordon gently held Benrey’s right hand, lacing their fingers together. Gordon looked over at the door and said something to Joshua before turning back to Benrey. Benrey could hardly focus. He was being dragged down into the horrible flashback, but now he fought against it as he tried to remember the plot of Heavenly Sword. 

“What’s the main character’s name?” Gordon asked.

“N..Nariko.”

“What does she look like, Benrey?” 

“She, um..she has red hair and..like this crop top tunic thing.”

“Really? She sounds super cool. What’s the game about? Tell me about it, honey.”

Benrey started recalling the plot of the game and before he knew it, he was calming down. The panic was starting to ease and now all that he had on his mind was the struggles of Nariko and her clan. Joshua returned to the bedroom with a first aid kit and handed it to Gordon. He sat it next to Benrey and opened it up.

Now that Benrey was coming back to reality, he could feel the pain in his forehead and something trickling down his face. He touched it and saw blood on his fingers. Gordon pushed Benrey’s bangs back and pressed a gauze pad to his forehead. He started to wrap gauze around Benrey’s head holding the pad in place. When it was wrapped, Gordon kissed it.

“How do you feel?” Gordon asked.

“Tired..” Benrey mumbled. “Pain. ‘m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s alright. Josh called me and said you needed help so I hurried home. I’m just glad I got here when I did.” Gordon gently caressed Benrey’s cheek. Benrey tilted his head into the comforting touch and shut his eyes.

“ ‘m not okay, Gordon. Bad thoughts. Head full. Too many thoughts.”

“I know, honey. We’re gonna get through this together. You aren’t alone anymore. I promise.” Gordon kissed him on the lips and Benrey hugged him. Gordon really did care about him. It wasn’t some fucked up lie or charade. Out of everyone in the real world, Gordon Freeman chose Benrey. He chose Benrey and had so far worked with him, listened to him, and tried his hardest to help Benrey through the episodes. Gordon saw him not as a villain, but as a lover who had his own demons and instead of making fight alone, Gordon picked up the metaphorical controller and tagged in as Benrey’s player two. 

Benrey nuzzled his face into Gordon’s neck. They could get through this together. They could start a new game, a better game. One where Benrey could fight alongside Gordon and friends as an equal. Gordon would fight for Benrey, and Benrey in turn would fight for Gordon. Side by side, hand in hand. No one would be able to touch them. Not even the entire United States Military. 

“I love you, Gordon.” Benrey whispered as he smiled.

This was the beginning of Benrey’s redemption arc.


	9. Errand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> enjoy this chonker of a chapter. we gettin' into the good now, fellas  
> also thank you all again for the love this story is getting it means a lot to me

It had been a few days since Gordon had come home to Benrey’s breakdown. Unfortunately, his monitor had been completely unsalvageable. Gordon tried to look at the positives of the situation. His monitor was old anyways and it was about time he replaced it. Benrey had been very quiet and stand-offish during this time and Gordon made sure to give him his space, but he always checked on Benrey’s head wound each day and gave it a kiss every time he changed the gauze. 

At night, Benrey would snuggle up close against Gordon’s chest unable to sleep. Gordon would either have to talk to him until he passed out, or sometimes he would hum songs to lull Benrey to sleep. He didn’t mind it. If that was what Benrey needed to feel at ease, Gordon would happily help. It was a period of readjustment and healing for both of them. Benrey having to face his demons now that he was in a reality where he could not simply turn off his memories, and Gordon who still had his own loneliness and past with Marcie lingering in his mind.

Eventually, Gordon was going to tell Benrey everything about him and about Marcie and Joshua. He owed it to Benrey after what he put him through. He should have focused on Benrey more and told Marcie he just couldn’t take Joshua for the time being. He should have helped Benrey adjust to life instead of juggling two responsibilities. Life was full of should haves and could haves, but in the end it didn’t matter what Gordon didn’t do. What mattered is what he did do and what he still could do.

Benrey needed some kind of therapy, but Gordon wasn’t sure how to pursue it. He needed someone who believed his story and would not just write it off as a fit of insanity or major hallucinations. It was a tall order, but Gordon was sure he could find someone who could help. It would just take a lot of digging and phone calls. Speaking of work, Gordon needed to get researching soon now that he had Benrey’s real name. He had put it off after the episode since present Benrey needed his attention far more than past Benrey. 

Mornings were becoming one of Gordon’s favorite times of day. He loved waking up to Benrey snuggling his chest and being warm under the covers. He loved having people in his apartment and not waking up alone in bed. His crippling loneliness had been weighing down on him causing a deep depression and while Gordon was now free of that loneliness, the depression still lingered in his mind. He pushed the thoughts back focusing on the sleeping man in bed with him. 

“Benrey,” Gordon said softly. Benrey’s face scrunched up unhappily. “Benny, it’s time to wake up.”

“Mm..ten more minutes, Tommy,” Benrey mumbled. Tommy? Benrey must have still been dreaming about his previous life in the game. Gordon wondered how the science team was doing, but he figured they wouldn’t miss him like Benrey had since they were part of the game naturally. They would be put into stasis until Gordon returned to play again, not even realizing he had left in the first place.

“Benrey, c’mon. It’s morning.” Gordon reached over for his glasses and Benrey stretched out like a cat yawning. 

“Stupid Feetman. I was dreamin.” Benrey said.

“Want breakfast?” Gordon asked. “I was thinking of making you and Josh pancakes.”

Benrey nodded. “Yeah, dude. Can I be a benrrito?”

“Of course, hon. You can be a benrrito.”

“Niiiiiice.”

Gordon untangled himself from Benrey and got out of bed pulling on his sweats and a tee shirt. He felt Benrey’s face push into his back and Gordon turned to see he was wrapped in the warm comforter of Gordon’s bed as he stood behind him. He smiled lovingly. He’d make the bed later.

“Can you wake Josh while I go start breakfast?” Gordon asked. Benrey smacked his lips in thought for a moment.

“Maybe uh, if you kiss me.”

Gordon rolled his eyes and kissed him on the lips. Benrey kissed back with a bit of force and Gordon chuckled. He loved Benrey’s eagerness for love whether it was being given to him or he was receiving it. Gordon was already getting better at reading Benrey’s moods and being able to help him. For instance, Benrey always loved when Gordon played with his hair and would visibly relax when Gordon did so. The best times were when they would cuddle either on the couch or in bed. It helped soothe him to right to sleep. 

Gordon went into the kitchen and began getting out the ingredients and a large bowl. He hadn’t properly made breakfast in awhile, but Gordon never forgot how to cook. After all, he always wanted to be the best dad he could be. Gordon started mixing the dry ingredients together in the bowl as he heard the soft pitter patter of barefeet. He looked over to see Benrey and Joshua coming in side by side, both of them wrapped in blankets like burritos.

Without even being asked, Benrey pulled one of the chairs and helped Josh into it before taking a seat at the table and putting his head down. Josh yawned.

“Mornin’ daddy,”

“Good morning, buddy. Did you sleep well?”

“I dreamed of cowboys.”

“Did you? That sounds fun. Hey, Josh, would you like to come with us to the store? If you’re good, I’ll let you get a treat.”

Joshua nodded before he put his head down on the table copying Benrey. 

“Hey, lift your heads. You better not fall asleep on me, also Benrey your forehead is still healing.” Gordon said.

“Suck my dick, Feetman.” Benrey replied.

“Hey, language! Not in front of Josh.”

“Suce ma bite.”

“Not what I meant, but whatever.”

Gordon soon finished the mix and had the pancakes cooking. He made a few regular ones for him and Benrey, then a few bear shaped pancakes for Joshua. Once they were stacked on a plate, Gordon took them to the table. 

“Alright, dig in!” Gordon said. The pancakes were a hit and Gordon breathed a sigh of relief. He had been worried of messing them up, especially when these might have been Benrey’s first pancakes. There were so many firsts that Gordon was able to share with Benrey, just like he had shared with his son as he grew up. Today would be another attempt at being in public. So far it was a 50/50 split on whether or not it went well. McDonalds ended poorly and led to so many problems, while the park went well. It had Gordon nerves raising since he would have not one, but two child-like people to watch over.

Once breakfast was over, Gordon had Joshua go back to his room to get dressed and now he and Benrey were getting dressed as well. Benrey sat on the bed as Gordon pulled on his jeans.

“You think it’s a good idea?” Benrey asked.

“What, grocery shopping? Of course it is. Besides, I have two more people living with me now and I didn’t get enough at the store last time I went for three people. Can’t let you guys go hungry, now can I? I’d be a shitty dad and a shitty boyfriend.” 

“But I’m not good in public, bro.” Benrey mumbled, rubbing his upper arm. 

“Of course you are. Besides, if you come with, you can get food you like.” Gordon walked over to the bed and stood in front of Benrey. He ran his fingers through Benrey’s hair petting him and Benrey leaned forward into the touch. 

“I want you to like this world,” Gordon said. “I want you to be with me and be part of it.”

Benrey looked up at Gordon and smiled. “Yeah, bro. I wanna be here too. Wanna be with you real long time, like, otp ‘n shit. Gordon x Benrey forever, man.”

“Oh shut up, you cringelord.” Gordon laughed. Benrey smiled and chuckled as well. God, Gordon loved his laugh. He didn’t get to hear Benrey laugh often, but when he did it was always so genuine sounding and adorable. It made Gordon want to collapse under the cuteness like a super cute cat video compilation. 

“I might be a cringelord, but you’re the one who fucked a computer AI.” Benrey pointed out wiggling his eyebrows. Gordon grabbed the chullo from the nightstand and pushed it onto Benrey’s head and over his eyes.

“Not my fault you kept trying to seduce me, you hopeless twink.” Gordon said. Benrey adjusted the chullo so he could see.

“Well you fuckin’ uh, walked in with your dick out, bro. What was I supposed to do? Just tryin’ to do my job. Fuckin’ teasin’ me with goods.” Benrey said, trying to defend himself. He wrapped his arms around Gordon’s middle hugging him and buried his face into Gordon’s stomach. Gordon laughed looking down at him.

“Enjoying yourself?”

“Bro, you’re like super soft. Big teddy bear.”

“I’ve always been like this.”

“Not in the hev suit you weren’t.”

Oh right, Benrey had only ever known Gordon in the HEV suit. He hadn’t seen Gordon in anything else until he crawled out of the laptop. Gordon still wondered how much tactile interaction Benrey actually had in game and if he had even been able to feel what things felt like. Benrey hadn’t known what grass felt like and he knew that the touch of another person had been a new experience too. 

“Well, you can hug me whenever you want.” Gordon said. “But first we have to go to the store and I want you to come with me. I think it’d be good for you to see more of the world. If you get scared, just hold my hand, okay? I’ll be right there to help you.” 

“Uh, yeah, whatever. Won’t be scared though. Don’t got no weakness because I’m epic. Stats off the fuckin’ charts, bro.” Benrey said proudly. Gordon leaned down and scooped Benrey up into his arms, holding him under the butt. Benrey shouted in surprise and instinctively wrapped his arms around Gordon’s neck.

“You are super epic, Benrey. I don’t doubt that for a second.” Gordon replied. Benrey blushed clearly surprised hearing Gordon agree with him. He properly hooked his legs around Gordon and kissed his lips. Their foreheads pressed together and Gordon could feel Benrey’s warmth and the coarse gauze.

“Hey, Gordon? Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Bein’ my player two.” 

“Every superhero has to have his sidekick, right?”

Benrey smiled and nuzzled Gordon’s neck. “Stop bein’ so cute, Feetman. You’re the absolute worst, bro.”

“Benrey, you know, I always thought I was stuck with you because of how persistent you are, but I think you’re the one stuck with me.” Gordon said. “No matter what happens or what you do, I’m gonna be right there supporting you to the end.”

“I won’t leave you either,” Benrey’s voice got softer and more earnest. “Not ever. I won’t leave you alone. I’ll be here being a pain in your ass until I get deleted. You make me want to use my sweet voice until I can’t anymore. Wish I still could.”

“Sing to me, then.” Gordon said. 

“What?”

“Sing to me. Use your sweet voice. There may not be orbs of colors that I can see, but I can still listen to your heart. Sing to me how you feel. Let it out, Benrey, like you used to.”

Benrey hesitated a moment, before he began to sing. There was no melody and was merely notes rising and falling in pitch like when he used the sweet voice before in game. No colors danced around them, but Gordon could feel the emotion in each note. Benrey’s voice was soft as he sang and he moved between notes like a slow dance. 

Gordon knew he might be wrong, but it sounded like Benrey was singing a song of love. It sounded so intimate like this was a song only for Gordon’s ears and no one else. Gordon slowly began to sway and take a few steps in a circle as Benrey sang. They were locked in their own little dance with the rest of the world shut out around them. Gordon gently put his lips to Benrey’s, silencing the song. Benrey’s voice still rumbled in his throat as they kissed. 

“I knew Benny was gonna be my new dad!” 

The two broke from the kiss and looked over at the door quickly to see Joshua watching them with a huge smile on his face. Gordon side glanced at Benrey to see a deep blush overtaking his face, his eyes wide with surprise. Benrey quickly dropped out of Gordon’s arms and pulled on the tassels of his chullo, pulling it down over his face. Gordon was a bit flustered himself, but he didn’t feel embarrassed.

“You ready to go?” Gordon asked, trying to move on from the awkward situation. Joshua nodded eagerly. 

“Alright, boys, let’s get going then!” Gordon said. Joshua cheered and ran off. Gordon turned to Benrey and took his hand. 

“Hey, you okay?” Gordon asked, adjusting the chullo so he could see Benrey’s eyes. Benrey was still blushing and he seemed super flustered by being caught. He wasn’t making eye contact with Gordon.

“Y-Yeah, dude. Totally. Let’s just go.”

Gordon herded his boys out of the apartment and down to the car and once everyone was in and buckled, they took off for the store. Josh sang along to the radio and Benrey chose to look out the window without a word. Gordon tried to swallow his nerves and push them away again, but they were rearing their ugly heads. He wanted to vomit thinking about going out into public again with them. 

The last thing he wanted was for Benrey to feel unwelcome or unwanted in this world and they didn’t need another McDonald’s incident. Gordon just wanted things to go well. He wanted Benrey to feel loved and he wanted him to feel normal so he wouldn’t leave. Gordon didn’t want to be alone again and he wasn’t sure he would even be able to handle losing Benrey. He didn’t want to imagine being alone again in that apartment, the darkness creeping in around him suffocating him consuming him-

“Gordon?”

Gordon snapped out of his thoughts as a hand touched his thigh. He looked over briefly to see Benrey looking at him with concern. 

“I’m fine, I promise.” Gordon said, putting on a smile.

“You’re grippin’ the wheel a bit tight.”

Gordon relaxed his grip and kept his eyes forward on the road. The car ride was silent other than Joshua’s singing. Gordon felt guilty for making Benrey worry about him. He shouldn’t have to be worrying about Gordon. There was enough for Benrey to deal with right now and the last thing he needed was an anxious boyfriend. Especially when the anxiety was about Benrey vs the real world. It was a vicious never ending cycle of guilt and Gordon found himself caught in it quite often in his relationships.

He never wanted to make another person worry about him or feel guilty about him caring for them. It caused him to end up being a very neutral standing person and slightly distant in his friendships. He never let things go beyond acquaintances and the last time he let someone through, it fell apart around him. Gordon still couldn’t blame Marcie for what had happened and he didn’t even hate her. He hated the loneliness she left behind. 

Benrey had been the only thing that was able to fill the spot perfectly and make Gordon’s life feel whole again and Gordon was terrified of Benrey leaving. He was terrified of coming home and finding Benrey somehow back in the computer or worse, ending his life because of being unable to go back in. Gordon would fight off all of the inhabitants of Xen and the United States Military in order to keep Benrey safe. He wasn’t going to let anything hurt Benrey anymore. 

Gordon pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store and parked. He shut off the car and undid his buckle. 

“What kind fuckin’ name is Supersave?” Benrey asked looking out the window.

“I don’t know. I didn’t name the place and watch your language.”

“Shoulda called it Superdave.”

“Who’s Dave?”

Benrey shrugged. “I don’t know, but like, ain’t there always a Dave? Lotta places named after Dave’s, bro. Besides, it would make people curious. Like, who’s Dave? Why’s he super? Why’d he open a store instead of saving people? But that’s where they’re wrong, bro, he’s totally saving them like uh, super discounts ‘n shit. Savin’ money the Dave way.”

“I will never understand what goes on in your brain.” Gordon said, opening the door to the car and getting out. He took Joshua’s hand and walked across the parking lot with Benrey following. He expected Benrey to hold his other hand, but he kept his hands in his hoodie pocket the whole time. 

The doors to the Supersave opened before them and Gordon walked inside. He grabbed one of the carts from the long line and turned to Josh, who already had his arms up eagerly. 

“Alright, big guy, up we go!” Gordon picked him up and placed Joshua into the basket of the cart. He giggled happily and sat down obediently. Gordon then pushed the cart past the second set of automatic doors and into the store. Benrey kept close to his side, looking around the place in awe. He put one hand on the handle of the shopping cart next to Gordon’s. 

“Alright, we’re gonna need supplies for meals now that we've got two extra mouths to feed. We’ll start with breakfast and work our way through. How’s that sound?” Gordon looked to Joshua then Benrey. Benrey merely shrugged.

“Daddy, can I get Reesies?” Josh asked eagerly.

Gordon pretended to think for a moment, trying to drag it out before replying. “Sure thing, bud, but only if you share.”

Josh cheered as Gordon pushed the cart to the cereal aisle. Most of their shopping was a back and forth between Gordon and Joshua about what the kid wanted to eat and whether or not it was parent approved. Benrey followed silently, saying not a word. When they reached the canned food aisle, Gordon began to worry.

“You alright?” He asked. 

“Hm? Yeah, dude. I’m fine.” Benrey said. 

“If it helps you feel better, you can hold my hand?” Gordon offered his right hand to Benrey. Benrey’s yellow eyes looked down at Gordon’s hand and Gordon could see him push his hands deeper into his hoodie pocket. Benrey smacked his lips.

“I, uh, I’m good.”

“You sure? I know this is all new for you.”

“Nah, I’m..yeah, I’m good.”

Gordon shrugged and put his hand back on the cart pushing it along. When Gordon took them into the frozen foods aisle, he left momentarily to grab some frozen corn and behind him he could hear Joshua whispering to Benrey. Gordon returned and placed the corn in the cart and found a package of dinosaur chicken nuggets in the cart. So that’s how they wanted to play, huh? Alright, Gordon would play.

Benrey and Joshua continued this act multiple times and for the most part, Gordon would pretend not to notice whatever it was that Josh had convinced Benrey to grab off the shelf. Once in a while, Gordon would catch them and make them put it back. He couldn’t lose his authority as a dad after all. Only once did Benrey put something in the cart in plain view of Gordon. He had grabbed a large bag of doritos while in the snack aisle and put them in the cart.

“Benrey, put those back. We don’t need them.” Gordon said.

“Yo, if lil foot wants these triangles then he’s gonna get ‘em.” Benrey said. “Besides, I wanna eat triangles too. They’re all pointy like me, Feetman. Gonna deny my right to eat triangles, bro?”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “Alright, fine. You can get them, but Joshua you still have to ask me before having any.”

“Nice.” Benrey held up his hand and Joshua high fived him. Gordon smiled and pushed the cart moving on. It was good to see the two of them getting along. He had been worried that either Josh would be terrified of Benrey’s appearance, or that Benrey would continue to be jealous and hateful towards the poor kid. 

“Hey, Josh, wanna get something for me?” Gordon asked. Josh perked up immediately and Gordon stopped the cart. Gordon helped him out and placed him on the ground.

“Can you go to the end of the aisle and grab peanut butter for daddy, please? You always choose the best one.” Gordon said. 

“Yeah! I got it!” Joshua then eagerly ran down the aisle to where the different types of peanut butter and jellys were. Now it was just the two of them.

“So,” Gordon said, looking at Benrey.

“What?” 

“You and Josh seem to be getting along. I’m glad.”

“What? No, lil foot is annoyin’ fuckin hate that kid. Stupid noob who don’t know shit. No way in hell do I like him. You’re super wrong, Feetman.” Benrey said, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“You don’t have to pretend. He’s your family now and I think Joshua would really love having you as a step parent if you ever decided to become one. I know I’d really like it.” Gordon said. He leaned in and kissed him, but Benrey suddenly shoved Gordon off him. 

“Ben-”

“What the fuck, Gordon? What if someone sees?” Benrey hissed.

“Since when did you care about being seen giving affection? You kissed me in front of the science team before and relentlessly flirted.”

“Yeah, but, dude that wasn’t this world! Shit’s different there!” Benrey kept looking around as if expecting people to jump out of the shelves and attack them for kissing. 

“Benrey, no one is gonna-”

“Daddy, I got the peanut butter!” 

Benrey jumped as Joshua ran up to Gordon’s side holding up the jar. 

“Good job, buddy! This is perfect!” Gordon took the jar and ruffled Joshua’s hair. He helped the boy back into the cart. Not another word was said about the outburst, but Gordon definitely wasn’t going to forget this. They’d have to talk about it later when Joshua wasn’t around. 

Gordon checked out and with some help got everything loaded into the car. He could feel the awkward tension between him and Benrey as they drove home. Why had Benrey pushed him away? Why was he so worried about people seeing them? Was it just the kissing or was it just being with Gordon? He hadn’t acted like this before in the park or at McDonalds, so why now? 

The thoughts plagued Gordon’s mind as they unloaded the car and unpacked the groceries. He could hardly focus on what Joshua said to him before he ran off to go play. Gordon had to get to the bottom of all this Benrey nonsense before it drove him crazy. He got his laptop from his room and sat down on the couch getting to work. He had a name already and that was better than nothing. 

It wasn’t long before Benrey stood before Gordon like some kind of pet waiting for it’s owner. Gordon looked up from his laptop and made eye contact with him.

“Can I help you?”

Benrey smacked his lips. “You uh, lookin’ kinda lonely there. Lonely boy, Gordon?”

Gordon moved his laptop and lifted his arm inviting Benrey to snuggle in. 

“Yesssssssssssss.”

Benrey laid down on the couch putting his head on Gordon’s lap. Gordon rested his arm over Benrey’s chest and went back to typing on his laptop. Benrey shifted trying to look at what Gordon was doing.

“Whatcha workin on?” He asked.

“I’m researching you.”

“Me?” 

“Yeah, at least, the you before the game. There are a lot of Benny Harris’s in the world, you know. You didn’t make it easy on me.” 

“Psh, I can’t be that hard to find.” Benrey said. 

“Don’t you remember anything else that could help me? Any social media you used before going into the game?”

“I think I had a youtube. Maybe.”

Gordon opened a new tab and went to youtube. He typed in “benny harris missing” into the search bar. He expected to find nothing, but a video popped up from an account called “SkeletonBenrey” titled, _Benny Harris MISSING: please help!_

Gordon clicked on the video. This seemed too good to be true. If the name wasn’t enough, the username was a dead give away or a really lucky coincidence. Once the video loaded, Gordon felt his heart nearly stop in shock. It was a vlog style video, but instead of seeing Benrey’s pre-game self, he saw Tommy.

“Tommy?” He said aloud in shock. Benrey sat up.

“Yo, what?”

On the video, Tommy sat in a gamer chair in a dimly lit bedroom that by the look of it had purple fairy lights strung up on the walls. He cleared his throat and took in a breath.

“Y-You might have noticed this isn’t a normal Benrey video. It’s not. Three days ago, my roommate and best friend Benny Harris, aka SkeletonBenrey, went missing. W-We don’t know where….where he is. There wasn’t much of a lead. Police think he ran away, but I know Benny wouldn’t do that. I’m really scared. If...If you know anything, please help. I..I made an email to send information to. Benny, if you’re out there...please come home. Please.”

The video changed to a black screen with the email written in white text. 

_findbennyharris@gmail.com_

Both Gordon and Benrey were struck speechless. Gordon scrolled down to see when the video was posted. 

Posted 2010.

Benrey had been missing for ten years, and the real world Tommy was looking for him. Gordon looked to Benrey, who’s eyes were firmly locked on the computer screen. Benrey had people looking for him. He had a family out there in the wild world of reality. Benrey suddenly turned to look at Gordon.

“Email him. Right now.”


	10. Email

The days melted into each other becoming yet another X on the calendar of time passed. Day. Night. It was hard to tell them apart as the fear and blinding anxiety began to numb into the background of everyday life. Each day became predictable and it felt like he was walking through a fog. The world had changed, moved on, and yet here he was lingering on the past with a single ember of hope left that threatened to die out like all the rest. 

Ten years ago, Tommy’s best friend and roommate disappeared without a trace. The guilt continued to eat at him in the quiet moments whenever Tommy was able to think. He should have stayed home. He shouldn’t have gone into the studio that day. He could have prevented this. He could have seen what happened. Tommy had been the one to make the initial call after coming home to a locked apartment with no roommate. The only things left behind were an exploded computer tower and the fried electrical components attached to it. There was no note. There was no sign of struggle or break in.

Tommy had tried to call Benny, but his cell phone lay on his bed untouched and forgotten. Now, the voicemail was the only memory Tommy could cling to anymore. Others had already given up hope, assuming the worst or that Benny simply wanted to vanish, but Tommy couldn’t let himself give in to the acceptance. He knew his best friend better than anyone, and Benny would never run away without leaving some kind of note or trace of where he had gone. 

Fliers had been made, social media searched, and yet still there was still nothing. It was as if Benny had simply disappeared into thin air. Tommy had tried his hardest to keep Benny’s room exactly the same as when it had been left, with the exception of dusting and cleaning. There could still be clues hiding in his room that could tell Tommy where Benny was. There had to be something somewhere that he had overlooked in his multiple searches. 

Tommy sat at his kitchen table staring into his cup of coffee as he spaced out. He always had spaced out before, but the gaps ended up growing larger now that Benny was gone. He could feel Sunkist lay down at his feet resting her head on his foot. She was just as sad as Tommy was. Sunkist had loved Benny with her entire heart almost trying to adopt him like he was one of her puppies. 

Tommy was brought back to reality by her touch and he leaned down and scratched Sunkist’s ear. She lifted her head to look up at Tommy. He didn’t speak, but merely smiled lovingly at her and she took this as a comfort and laid her head back down on his foot. It was just the two of them now and despite ten years having passed, the emptiness in the apartment was massive. 

Benny knew how to fill a room with his presence. He was loud when he talked and always made himself known even when he didn’t talk. He’d break into your thoughts with dumb comments and redirect conversations. Benny had his own unique way of interacting with the world and that was why Tommy loved him so very dearly as a friend. They both were seen as different to the average person, but together they were just two normal guys who loved video games and dogs. 

“I guess it’s time to try again.” Tommy said out loud. He took a sip of his coffee before he got up from the table and left the kitchen with Sunkist following him. Tommy hovered outside one of the bedroom doors before opening it up and flicking on the light. Benny’s room lay before him untouched by time. The fairy lights strung up around the room had long since burnt out and it made the room feel even more emptier. It felt like a part of what remained of Benny had burnt out with them. 

Tommy walked into the room and sat in Benny’s gamer chair and looked at the blank monitor before him. The computer had been easy to fix, but trying to make heads or tails of the documents left behind on Benny’s computer was the real task that Tommy still had not yet cracked. Benny had left documents on his desktop that were filled with all kinds of confusing code Tommy didn’t recognize. Now, Tommy was not an idiot. He had degrees in engineering and nuclear physics after all, but the way Benny wrote code just seemed like gibberish. It didn’t even match standard gaming code which Benny created at the studio.

In his many searches through Benny’s room, Tommy had found a notebook filled with math equations and hand written code that had been crossed out and rewritten multiple times. There were notes in margins about things Benny had to change to “perfect” his program. The notes were messy and looked like they were written in either desperation or in a fleeting moment of genius. Still, Tommy could not figure out what this program was supposed to be or what it was supposed to do. 

Part of Benny’s notes suggested it was game code, and Tommy wondered if he had been trying to plan the creation of his own game outside of work. It would have made sense since Benny always seemed to be filled with game ideas and stories to pitch. He often pitched his ideas to Mr. Coomer who would have a ball designing the characters and sending them back to the group skype chat. It was a happy little family, but one that felt empty now.

The only thing left now was to continue to try and recreate whatever program Benny had made and piece together the equipment required for it. Whatever it was that Benny had built had been created using the base system of an xbox 360 kinect unit, the VR headset, a car battery, his computer, and pages upon pages of confusing code. It had needed a charge strong enough to fry the computer and everything he had attached to it. 

Even if Tommy was able to replace these items and modify them according to Benny’s notes, he still had no idea what they did or how to activate it. There had to be some meaning behind all the code. The solution to Benny’s disappearance was in this notebook, in the files, somewhere Tommy just couldn’t reach. 

He spent hours replacing parts and getting further in the recreation. Before Tommy knew it, it was dinner time and Sunkist had come looking for him. She always knew where to find him at this time of day. Tommy sighed and packed up the work for the day. It was time to eat and check the find benny email once again. Tommy knew the email would be empty like it always was. If there ever was any email, it was always spam. 

Tommy put out food for Sunkist and put a tv dinner in the microwave for himself. While it cooked, he opened his laptop and opened gmail. Tommy’s eyes widened as he saw an email in the inbox that wasn’t spam. It was from someone named “Gordon Freeman” and the subject title read: “Benny Harris Found.”

Tommy quickly opened the email.

_ Hello, _

_ I’m hoping this email is still active and someone is checking it. My name is Gordon and I believe I’ve found Benny Harris. He and I are actually dating and both of us had no idea of his true identity. He’s been going by Benrey since I’ve known him. It’s really hard to explain how he lost his memories and how he ended up living with me, so I would like to ask if it would be possible to try and meet up with either Tommy or a family member so he can be reunited.  _

_ I’ve included a photo attached to this email so you can see that I’m not trying to scam you during a rough moment in your lives. If anyone is still looking at this email, please email back. Benrey is eagerly waiting to get reunited with his past life. _

_ -Gordon Freeman _

Tommy scrolled down to the bottom of the email to see the attached photo. He clicked on it, making it bigger. The man he saw in the photo had blue-tinted skin and yellow eyes. They had sharp teeth, sharper than any human, and straight black hair that hung in their face. The rest of their head was covered in a chullo. It looked like some edited photo, like some fake, but as Tommy focused, he could see the familiar face shape, that warm smile, and those mischievous eyes. Tommy had no idea how he had changed, but he knew without a doubt that was Benny.

“He..He’s okay.” Tommy said. He jumped out of his seat in joy and laughed, throwing his arms up in the air.

“He’s okay! Sunkist! Benny! He...He’s okay!” Tommy shouted. Sunkist wagged her tail seeing her owner’s excitement and barked as he continued to laugh and dance around the kitchen. She got up on her hind legs and Tommy held her front paws.

“Benny’s okay, Sunkist! He..He’s gonna come home!” Tommy put Sunkist down before grabbing his phone and eagerly texting the group chat with Bubby and Mr. Coomer. They had to know the good news immediately and he’d also have to text Mrs. Harris too! Oh, she would be so happy to know that her son was alright! There was so much to do and so little time to do it! Benny was alive and okay and he was coming home!

Tommy quickly sat back down and wrote out a reply to this Gordon Freeman, who as far as Tommy was concerned was not only a hero but a saint, and included his address agreeing to bring Benny home as soon as possible. Tommy sent the email off and continued to refresh the page over and over again, already desperate for a reply. 

His thoughts were all over the place and he could barely sit still. Tommy was going to have to distract himself somehow while he waited for the response. Maybe he could return to working on Benny’s machine or trying to decipher his code? No, that wouldn’t do. He needed hyper focus in order to sort through that mess and he could barely focus on anything that wasn’t Benny or that email right now. 

“Sunkist!” Tommy said turning to her. “Want to go for...for a walk?”

Sunkist lowered her body to the floor, wriggling her raised hindquarters. Her tail wagged back and forth eagerly. A nice walk would do nicely to help clear his head and burn off some energy. They’d go for a walk and when Tommy returned, there just had to be an email waiting for him! He giggled happily to himself as he got out Sunkist’s harness and slipped it on her. He attached the leash to the clip and the two of them left the apartment.

Tommy was glad to have Sunkist. Without her, he probably would have wandered off lost in his thoughts. Many times during the walk, Tommy was stopped when Sunkist sat down which prevented him from walking off the sidewalk or walking into another person. He didn’t mean to space out. He was just too excited thinking about the fact that Benny was alive! Benny was safe and Benny was coming home! Ten long years of searching were finally over. Ten years of isolation. 

Finally, Tommy’s little family was going to be whole again. Little did Tommy know that with the return of Benny would not only alleviate the guilt and depression, but it would grow his little family even more. 


	11. VR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating sooner. I've been participating in Aitober over on tumblr so my free time was spent making art pieces instead of writing. Also college just shifted gears into finals so I got that going too aaaaaa
> 
> Thank you all again for the love and support on this story. It really keeps me going seeing your kind comments and knowing im able to spread a lil frenrey love to the world. Stay safe y'all

Ever since the email went out, Benrey was unable to sit still. He would continue to ask Gordon if Tommy had emailed back anything beyond the first reply and would only stop when Gordon showed him the empty inbox. It would be a few days until they would be able to reunite Benrey and Tommy since Tommy had to free his schedule of work and prepare for their visit to the apartment. Not to mention Gordon had to take Joshua back home. 

“Will you be okay here by yourself?” Gordon asked Benrey as he prepared to take Joshua back home. Benrey was dressed in Gordon’s MIT hoodie and boxers. He smiled sweetly and wrapped his arms around Gordon. 

“I’ll be fine, Gordo. Go take Lil Foot home.” Benrey pressed their foreheads together and Gordon kissed him unable to resist.

“When we get home, I’d like to talk to you about some things I owe you an explanation for.” Gordon said. Benrey ran his fingers through Gordon’s hair and pecked his nose.

“Oh? Gonna give me a walkthrough? Speedrun Gordo’s life? Cheat codes n all?”

“Do you have to be so cringey?”

“It’s my job, Feetman~”

Gordon pulled away from Benrey’s loving arms and walked out to the living room where Joshua had brought his small child sized suitcase. 

“Ready to go, bud?” Gordon asked. 

“Do I  _ have _ to go, daddy?” Joshua pouted, kicking a foot.

“I thought you liked being with Mom and Aunt Debbie?”

“Yeah, but I wanna stay with you and Benny!”

Gordon scooped up Joshua in his arms.

“Maybe you can come visit on the weekend? We’d love to have you, wouldn’t we, Benrey?” Gordon turned back towards the hall to the bedroom. Benrey had followed behind him and lingered in the doorway.

“Yeah. You’re a great cool, Lil Foot. Pretty cool hangin’ out with a lil gamer.” Benrey said leaning in the doorframe with his arms crossed. Joshua looked between Benrey and Gordon before Gordon put him back down.

“Alright, say goodbye to Benrey.” Gordon said. Joshua hurried over to Benrey and hugged his legs. Benrey looked down surprised before looking to Gordon as if asking for help. Gordon just mouthed, “hug him.” Benrey awkwardly bent down to try and hug Joshua back.

“Aight, Lil Foot, enough of the sappy huggy shit.” Benrey said, carefully removing Joshua from him. “Gamers don’t get emotional.”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “C’mon, Josh. Let’s go.” 

Joshua came over and Gordon took his hand leading him out to the car. Benrey watched them go and locked the door behind them. He leaned his back against the front door and sighed looking at the empty apartment in front of him. He hadn’t been alone since Gordon had attempted to get groceries and look how well that had gone. Maybe he wouldn’t be okay by himself. Maybe if Benrey left now he could catch up with them and-

No. No, he could do this. He had to prove to Gordon that he was able to be left alone. He was an adult damn it! Not only an adult, but a goddamn Black Mesa trained security guard! If he couldn’t handle being alone while dumb Feetman took his tiny spawn back home, then Benrey didn’t deserve to wear his helmet. 

Benrey straightened up and walked back to the bedroom where he retrieved his helmet and put it on. He would show Gordon just how good of a boyfriend and roommate he could be! He’d tidy this place up and get it looking so damn good that Gordon would swoon right into Benrey’s arms and then they would spend the whole night making out.

Benrey turned to the messy bed and started stripping the sheets off it. He had seen Gordon make the bed plenty of times to know how to make it. Sure, it wouldn’t be as properly made as Gordon could get it, but it would still be one less chore! Once the bed was done, Benrey got to work tidying the room and putting books and video game cases back on shelves. He pushed some forgotten clothes aside to uncover a box near the desk. 

“Woah, Feetman’s VR headset.” Benrey whispered. He opened the box and carefully fished out the headset. This had been the only connection Gordon had to Benrey for so long, and now here it sat in a box collecting dust. Even though Benrey had never seen or held the headset before, the weight of it in his palms felt comforting. It was like it was some part of him he was returning to.

“Maybe..maybe Gordon wouldn’t mind if I tried it myself.” Benrey said to himself as he began to hook up the cables. “Get all the insider knowledge, bro. Fuckin’ know what’s up in that scientist brain of his.”

Only Gordon wasn’t a scientist in real life.

“Heh, bet he didn’t think I’d get all the info on his team this way,”

But none of them were real or a threat.

As Benrey slid on the headset, his mind became painfully aware how his existence had only been code in a computer, pixels on a monitor. Benrey hadn’t existed as a real person until he somehow managed to break the barrier between worlds which he still didn’t understand how it had been done. 

The game soon loaded up and the familiar halls of Black Mesa opened up to him. For the first time in his life, Benrey almost cried at the sight. He felt like he finally was where he was supposed to be again. He carefully placed a hand on the wall only to find he couldn't actually feel the wall like before. He could not feel the rough bumps of the concrete and the cracks from years of use. Benrey felt weirdly disconnected from the world around him, like he was walking through a memory.

“Mr. Freeman?” A voice asked from behind. Benrey quickly turned to find Tommy staring at him in confusion. Benrey quickly looked down at himself to find that he was now the one wearing the HEV suit.

“Benrey?” Tommy asked. “Why are you in Mr. Freeman’s suit? Where have you been? What’s going on?”

“I um,” Benrey didn’t know where to start or even how to begin explaining. Would Tommy even understand what he meant if he explained? Tommy was a coded AI in a video game. He had no concept of the real world other than the one around him. 

“Wait, you knew I was gone?” Benrey asked.

“Well, not really, but I..I had a feeling. It felt..it felt like something was just missing suddenly and that something was you, Benrey.” Tommy fiddled with the sleeves of his lab coat as he spoke. Benrey closed the gap between them once he had finished and pulled the man into a hug. It felt empty and Benrey couldn’t feel Tommy’s body against his own like when Gordon would hug him. 

Tommy hugged back, wrapping his arms around Benrey and laughed happily.

“Tommy, bro, you’re not gonna believe the shit I’ve been through.” Benrey mumbled into Tommy’s shoulder. Tommy pulled back smiling down at him.

“T-Tell me about it? Where’s Mr. Freeman?”

“There..there’s a world outside this one, Tommy,” Benrey started unsure of how to approach this topic. What if he scared Tommy into some kind of identity crisis? What if he completely broke his AI? Coomer had started to break during Gordon’s playthrough, both from initial unfinished coding and from figuring out he was just AI. 

“And well, Feetman is from that world. We ain’t supposed to go there, only he is, but I somehow managed to go there. It’s a lot like this one, but really different too. I don’t know how to explain it. Managed to come back here the same way Gordo did. That’s uh, that’s why I got the hero suit,” Benrey looked down at the hev suit again. He had to admit, it did feel kinda good being in the place of the hero. It didn’t change who he was or what he had done, but for a moment Benrey could pretend he was a good guy like Gordon.

“I know this probably doesn’t make any sense, Tommy, but please believe me. There’s like, others out there, bro. There’s another you and he says I’m some other guy he knew, but I only know you, bro!” Benrey felt his fear starting to grow as the words tumbled from his mouth. “What if he’s not like you at all? What if he hates me because I’m not this Benny Harris guy? I’m just Benrey, man. Lil gay baby Benrey. What if Gordon changes his mind about me because of this other Tommy?”

A familiar warm feeling bubbled at the back of his throat. Benrey coughed and out popped a colorful purple orb that floated upwards towards the ceiling. Tommy watched it rise and pop without a word. Benrey hummed lowly and soon more orbs rolled out his mouth and floated outward like carefree balloons. Shades of purple began to fade into green.

“Purple to jade,” Tommy said softly.

“Means I’m afraid,” Benrey finished. Tommy pulled Benrey into a tight hug. Benrey couldn’t feel Tommy against him at all. There was no warmth, no comforting pressure, no slight rise and fall of the chest. Benrey’s eyes began to burn as he blinked back tears. More sweet voice poured out against Tommy’s chest and into the air around them as Benrey sobbed.

“It’s okay,” Tommy whispered. “I’m here, Benny.” 

_ I’m here, Benny.  _

Benrey looked back up at Tommy to find Tommy, but he had changed. He looked like he was in higher definition like Gordon did in the real world. This Tommy wasn’t wearing his propeller hat, but it was the same soft, kind eyes. Benrey sniffled and hiccuped. 

“I’m here, Benny,” Tommy said. “I promise. You’re my best friend and no matter what they think, you’re perfect to me. There’s nothing wrong with you at all. You belong here with me and Sunkist. I swear it.” 

Benrey’s head began to feel light headed as his vision started to swim. The floor suddenly came colliding with Benrey’s back as the world was plunged into darkness around him. 


	12. Reunion

“You sure about this, Benrey? We can turn back still.”

“Nah, man. I ain’t a coward. Gotta fuckin’ face my past. Origin story ‘n shit.”

Benrey played with the tassels of his chullo looking out the passenger window of the car. They were parked in the parking lot of an apartment complex, the one Tommy had sent them the address to in order to meet up. Benrey had seemed so excited before about this meet up. He had hardly slept the night before. Now, it seemed like meeting the real Tommy was the very last thing he wanted to do.

“Hey,” Gordon said. Benrey looked over and met his eye as Gordon put a hand on Benrey’s thigh. “I’ll be right beside you the entire time, and if you want to leave you tell me and we’ll go. No questions asked. Sound good?”

Benrey thought it over before he nodded. 

“I guess it can’t be that bad if you’re with me,”

“I’m your player two, remember? We fight the boss together.” 

Benrey’s eyes lit up. “Yeah! Two player game, bro! Benny and Gordo versus the world!”

Gordon held up his hand and Benrey grabbed it tightly as he laughed. He let go and opened the car door quickly getting out. Gordon rolled his eyes with a smile and got out after him. It was good to see Benrey have his confidence back, even if it was going to be short lived. Gordon led the way up to one of the buildings, double checking the number to the one he had written down. 

Well, this was it. Now or never. Gordon wasn’t sure how he felt meeting a real life version of Tommy. Would it still be the same Tommy he knew from Black Mesa? Or would it be a complete polar opposite? This wasn’t even his reunion, but that didn’t stop his brain from immediately jumping to all the worst possibilities. Gordon side glanced at Benrey as they walked up the sidewalk. What was Benrey thinking? He had to be near shitting his pants if Gordon was this worried. 

The two of them stood on the doorstep, neither one moving. Benrey was slightly fidgeting, eyes focused on the door. Gordon took in a breath and let it out slowly to calm his nerves. He needed to step up and be the support today. It was his turn to be the rational brain and not let his fears get to him. He reached forward and rang the doorbell.

Dog barking immediately started up inside and soon the door unlocked and opened. Standing before them was Tommy, dressed in an old tee and jeans, trying to keep a golden retriever back with his leg. 

“Sunkist, get back, girl!” He ordered looking down at her. Tommy looked up to the two of them and his face dropped in shock. Sunkist took this moment to squeeze past him and began to sniff Benrey.

“Woah, uh, hey dog.” Benrey said awkwardly. He patted her head unsure of how to actually pet a dog that wasn’t two dimensional. Sunkist suddenly crouched down and sprang up, tackling Benrey to the ground. She began licking his face and neck wagging her tail in excitement.

“Benrey, are you alright!?” Gordon asked. Benrey could only laugh in response as he pushed at the large dog on top of him.

“Stop! It tickles!” He laughed.

Gordon heard a sniffle from behind him and he turned to see Tommy starting to cry as he watched.

“Benny, it’s really you,” Tommy said. He leaned down and pulled Sunkist off Benrey before helping Benrey up to his feet. Tommy pulled the shorter man right into a hug. Gordon could see Benrey’s body stiffen as the hug threw him into shock and for a moment Gordon thought he should try to break it up.

“I thought I’d never see you again,” Tommy said in a whimper.

“I..I’m sorry,” Benrey said quietly. “I don’t remember who I used to be. I’m probably not who you’re missing. I think that guy is gone for good.”

Tommy moved back from the hug and shook his head, a big smile on his face. 

“He’s not gone, because he’s right here in front of me. Even if you might not remember before, you’re still you and if I have to help remind you then that’s fine with me. All that matters is that you’re back, Benny.” Tommy took a step back and wiped at his eyes. “I’m sorry, please excuse me. You must be Mr. Freeman, right? Thank you so much for emailing me.”

Gordon took Tommy’s outstretched hand and shook it. “Not a problem, and you can just call me Gordon.”

“Oh, where a-are my manners? Please, come in both of you. Would you like anything to drink?” Tommy asked.

“Soda,” Benrey replied with a slight shit eating grin. He side glanced at Gordon, who rolled his eyes at the lame joke. Tommy herded Sunkist back inside and Benrey and Gordon followed. The apartment wasn’t fancy, but it was tidy and well kept. Gordon looked to one of the walls near the door to find different framed photos. Some were of Tommy and Sunkist when he was younger, one of Tommy and his dad, then there was one that looked like a younger Tommy with Bubby, Coomer, and a more human looking Benrey. 

“Is that Bubby and Dr. Coomer?” Gordon asked, pointing at the photo. 

“Doctor Coomer?” Tommy asked. “He’s not a doctor, but that is Bubby and Mr. Coomer. Do you know them, Mr. Freeman?”

“Well, um, sort of. Not really. It’s hard to explain.” Gordon rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “I don’t know them actually, but I know versions of them from a video game. The same with you. I uh, only know the form of you from the video game.”

“Video game?” Tommy asked, confused. “Oh! You mean Black Mesa! I haven’t thought about that game in years! Yeah, we put ourselves in as scientists as a little easter egg! I guess Benny told you about that, huh?”

“Well, Black Mesa is how I met Benrey,” Gordon explained. “He was uh, in the game.”

Tommy’s smile dropped as the confusion set in. Gordon had been expecting that. He feared that explaining this entire situation to actual Tommy would become very confusing and they’d all end up going in circles trying to make heads or tails of the situation they were in. None of it had made sense whenever Gordon tried to rationalize it and simply accepting it had been the best option.

“He was in the game?” Tommy asked. 

“Yeah, bro, like just vibin’ ya know?” Benrey said. He had taken a seat on the couch and was petting Sunkist who had planted herself right between his knees. Whenever he stopped petting her, Sunkist would bump Benrey’s hand with her head demanding more as her tail wagged. 

“I don’t understand,” Tommy said. “Th..That’s impossible.”

“It doesn’t make sense to me either, but that’s what happened. I just kinda ended up accepting it since it was easier to just go with it than try to understand how he crawled out of my computer,” Gordon said, rubbing the back of his neck. “He doesn’t seem to even remember going into the game or anything before that.”

Tommy looked over at Benrey for a moment, his face full of concern, before he went into the kitchen. He returned with a can of mountain dew and handed it to Benrey when he sat next to him on the couch.

“You don’t remember a thing?” Tommy asked. Benrey shook his head before he cracked the can and took a long sip of it. Tommy took in a breath and sighed.

“I suppose I’ll have to help remind you then,” Tommy said. “Hold on a moment.”

He got up from the couch and left the two of them alone. Benrey awkwardly sipped at his soda. Gordon’s gut instinct was to smack him upside the head for slurping, but at least the sound kept them from the silence. Tommy returned with a laptop in his hands and he placed it on the coffee table in front of Benrey. He opened it up and pulled up a folder full of picture files.

“Alright, I-I’ll just..t-tell you everything, okay?” Tommy offered a smile and it broke Gordon’s heart. He had no idea what the two of them had been through before Benrey’s disappearance, but Tommy seemed to be so desperate to put the pieces back together and return to the life that they had. Today both sides were going to get answers about the past ten years. 

“Your name is Benjamin Harris, or Benny. We’ve been best friends since you graduated college and got hired at HL Games. You’re a video game programmer with me, a-and you were really good at it. You left some kind of code behind and I’ve been trying to decode it and I can’t understand it,” Tommy said. “I-I think you wrote your own code language or something.”

“Yooo, that’s fuckin’ awesome. No wonder I could no-clip ‘n do shit in the game. I’m a hella code master. Hear that Feetman? I’m the coolest code master epic gamer,” Benrey said. 

Gordon rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Tommy, please continue.”

Tommy pulled up a picture of the two of them on the laptop with a puppy Sunkist in Tommy’s arms. Past Benrey looked so happy in the photo, just like the one hanging on the wall. 

“Here’s us when I got Sunkist. I had wanted a dog for so long. I was worried you wouldn’t like her since we were living together, but you called her the perfect dog a-and she really is!” Tommy said. He leaned over and ruffled Sunkist’s ears. 

“Well, duh. Sunkist is the fuckin’ best dog ever, bro. Perfect in every single way,” Benrey said. “I mean look at that sweet little face. Fuckin’ perfect.”

“Well, Sunkist always thought you were perfect, too. She practically adopted you as one of her puppies. I mean, she never had puppies, so I guess you were close enough!” Tommy laughed. “I always found you guys taking naps on the floor together, and Sunkist often stayed by your side when your depression was bad. She knew you needed a little sunshine in your life.”

Tommy turned back to the laptop and pulled up a picture of Benrey smiling at a bar, holding up a mug. He was in a white tee and flannel and had what looked like rainbow face paint under his eyes like the black strips a football player would wear. Gordon assumed Tommy had been the one taking the photo. 

“This was during one of your birthdays,” Tommy said. “I think it was your twenty eighth? It was the first time you got to go to a gay bar and you were so happy that night.”

“Yooo, I was gay?”

“Benrey, you still are.” Gordon said deadpanned.

“Yeah, you right.”

“H-Honestly, I’m really happy to hear that you guys are dating. Benny was always scared of confessing to people or letting people know he was gay,” Tommy said. “I always just wanted you to be happy and to be yourself, but it was always something that you never could face i-it seemed.”

“Benrey? Scared of being gay?” Gordon asked. “You’ve got to be joking.”

The very idea of Benrey being ashamed or nervous about being gay sounded like a joke. He had spent the entire game antagonizing Gordon while shamelessly flirting with him. The Benrey that Gordon knew had always been so very unapologetically himself and wasn’t afraid to wear his feelings on his sleeve. At least, his feelings about Gordon that was. 

“I’m not joking,” Tommy said. “Maybe it’s the amnesia that is preventing him from acting that way now, or something else, but that’s how Benny was. You were always scared of letting people know about it. You cried when you told me you were gay.”

Benrey didn’t reply. He looked back to the picture on the laptop. Gordon wondered what was going through his head right now. What was it like to learn about an entirely different version of yourself that you had no memories of? They were the same person, yet, Benny and Benrey were two completely different people. 

“Benny, can I ask you something?” Tommy asked.

“Uh, yeah. Wussup, dude?”

“Well, you disappeared one day when I was working. You told me you were taking a sick day because you were almost done with some project and just had to finish it. Benny, what happened? Where did you go?” Tommy asked, leaning closer to him. “I’ve wondered that every day since you left and I just..if you know-”

“Look, I uh, I don’t know? Don’t remember shit, dude. I’m sorry,” Benrey shifted away from Tommy. He slunk down some and pulled his chullo down over his face more. 

“Let’s not focus on that right now,” Gordon said, cutting in. “I’m sure he’ll remember in time. Is there anything here that might help bring back any memories?”

“Oh! His room is still in shape! I made sure it was still like you left it in case you ever came back.” Tommy said. He quickly got off the couch and offered his hand to Benrey. Benrey looked at him hesitant before taking his hand and being pulled up off the couch. This Tommy definitely was the same eager man as the one they knew from Black Mesa, only this one had a real life and a story to tell. 

Tommy led Benrey back down the hall and Gordon followed them. Tommy stopped at one of the doors and opened it up. It looked like the same room from the youtube video, only the fairy lights were not on. It looked like it had been completely untouched this entire time. Tommy really had left it as is for when Benrey returned.

Benrey took a few steps into the room, his mouth slightly hanging open. He walked over to the desk against the wall and ran his hand over the wood before taking a seat in the gamer chair. His fingers danced over the keys of the keyboard before he looked back at Gordon and Tommy.

“I..I remember this place. I used to play games all the time and code into the night. I think I was making something. Something important.” Benrey looked back towards the screen, his brows furrowing in thought. “I just remember being really sad all the time, and that project being super important..”

“You’ll remember in time,” Gordon said. “Tommy, thank you for having us over.”

“Of course! Thank you for contacting me! I’m thrilled that Benny is alive and safe! I-It’s okay if he doesn’t remember everything. He’s home now,” Tommy said.

Oh, right. This was Benrey’s home. This was where he actually belonged. Not Gordon’s apartment. Gordon hadn’t actually considered the idea that he would be leaving Tommy’s without Benrey at his side. He should have seen it coming, but he had been so oblivious in the moment. Gordon leaned on the door frame as Tommy went over to Benrey talking to him about something. Gordon didn’t want to be alone again.

Benrey had brought so much joy into his life and gave Gordon a reason to get up in the morning. He was the reason Gordon found himself smiling more, laughing more, enjoying life more. Gordon felt loved again whenever they would cuddle up in bed or on the couch. Hearing Benrey softly say his name when they kissed sent Gordon over the moon. He didn’t want to give that all up and return to the emptiness, but if it was what Benrey wanted then Gordon would let him go. He prayed it wasn’t what he wanted. Please let him stay. 

Tommy handed Benrey a notebook and Benrey looked over the contents, slowly turning the pages. He began to turn them faster and soon he flipped through them. He looked up at Tommy and then to Gordon. His eyes were wide, lit up with understanding. He suddenly put the notebook down and logged onto the computer, easily putting in the password. 

“I remember,” Benrey sat back in his chair. “I remember why I disappeared. I remember everything.”

“R-Really!?” Tommy exclaimed. “What happened!? Where did you go?”

“I wanted to be in the game. I was so happy when I went into VR. I could be myself there and no one was mean to me. I was the hero. I knew there had to be a way to put myself inside that game and I think I figured it out. I wrote the code and put it together somehow and I didn’t think it would work, but it did,” Benrey said.

“You...you put yourself inside the game?” Gordon asked. “But how did you end up in _my_ game? Clearly I wasn’t using your computer or your files.”

“The demo,” Tommy said.

“What?”

“Benny had a demo of Black Mesa on his computer. After he disappeared, I managed to get the demo files from him and complete it since I know how much it meant to him. Since it was just a fan project we worked on together, the base system of Gmod would have already worked on another computer. It would have been easy to transfer those files to another computer,” Tommy said. “When the game was released, he must have escaped through one of the game downloads. It must have just been chance th-that he ended up with you, Mr. Freeman.” 

“But if that’s the case, Benrey, why didn’t you leave anything behind for Tommy? I know you, and you wouldn’t just up and disappear and make people worry like that if you planned to leave,” Gordon said.

Benrey shrugged. “I didn’t think the machine would even work when I fired it up. It never had before during tests. Also didn’t think anyone would actually miss me if I left.”

“What are you talking about?” Tommy asked. “I missed you! I missed you every day for ten years, Benny! You’re my best friend and my family! Why on Earth would you think you weren’t wanted here?”

“Because life fucking sucked, bro!” Benrey shouted. “I got beat up all the time at bars and I couldn’t fuckin’ talk to another guy without them thinking I was some kind of creep because I’m gay! Black Mesa seemed a hell of a lot better than dealing with that shit day in and day out!”

“Benny, I’m s-sorry. Things are a lot better now. The world’s changed. I’m sorry if I wasn’t there for you enough before, but I’m here now, I promise!” Tommy pleaded. “I don’t want you to feel alone or unloved for who you are! Look, you have Mr. Freeman now and we’re together again as best friends. You’re not alone anymore.”

Tommy sat down on the bed. “Benny, you can move back in here. I’ll be here and so will Sunkist. We’ll be a little family again. This is still your home if you want it to be.”

That’s what Gordon was afraid of. He knew this offer was going to show up eventually during their time here. There was nothing he could do to prevent it. It was Benrey’s choice and Benrey’s choice alone. Benrey looked to Gordon as if trying to ask his opinion.

“It’s your choice, Benrey,” Gordon said. 

“I um,” Benrey looked down at his lap before looking back to Tommy. “I guess that’s okay. I mean, if this is supposed to be my home.”

Tommy hugged him tightly laughing happily. 

“Oh, this is the best day of my life! You’re finally home!” Tommy said excitedly. “I’ll order pizza for dinner and we’ll celebrate! You’re welcome to join us too, Mr. Freeman!”

Gordon smiled some, but he wasn’t in the mood to celebrate. He wanted to beg Benrey not to go, but it wasn’t his choice or his decision. Benrey was going to be living with Tommy now. Gordon tried to remind himself that this didn’t mean he’d never see Benrey again. He could visit any time, but it just wasn’t the same. He wanted to wake up with Benrey in his arms. He wanted to make Benrey lunch while listening to him ramble on. He wanted to snuggle and watch movies on the couch at night. He wanted Benrey to stay.

But Benrey was moving out from Gordon’s reach, fading into nothing as Benny took his place. Gordon had finally gotten a chance at holding Benrey and feeling his touch for real and now he was disappearing again to a place Gordon could not always go.

It wasn’t fair.

It just wasn’t fucking fair.


	13. Night Walks

The hum of fluorescent lights was all Benrey could hear as he walked down the empty hallway. He hadn’t seen another soul this entire time and it was beginning to worry him. By now he should have seen scientists or other security guards doing their rounds. Black Mesa was never this quiet or empty. His own boots seemed to make no sound on the polished floor. It was only the deafening hum of the lights. 

Benrey turned around the corner and stopped as he saw the familiar orange suit before him. He smiled, relieved to find not only another person, but his lover. Gordon stood facing the other way unaware of Benrey behind him. 

“Gordon! Thank fuck, bro. Somethin’ weird is going on here,” Benrey moved forward towards him, reaching out to touch Gordon’s shoulder. His hand passed through him however, much like a no-clip. Benrey didn’t feel the usual jerkiness that came with a no-clipping however and pulled his hand back confused.

“Gordon?” He asked.

“This is your fault,” Gordon said. Before Benrey could ask what he meant, the ground began to tremble and suddenly an explosion of green light appeared in front of Gordon as a portal opened. Gordon turned to look at Benrey, his eyes soft and concerned, before he was suddenly yanked back into the portal. Benrey grabbed after him screaming, but could not reach him in time. 

Benrey’s eyes opened and he no longer saw Black Mesa or the portal to Xen, but the ceiling of his bedroom. He sat up and quickly looked around as he panted, heart racing in fear. He kicked the covers off of him to cool down his overheating body. It had all just been a horrible nightmare. Benrey turned to look for Gordon to ease his nerves, only to find there was no Gordon in his bed. 

In fact, there was no Gordon at all. 

This wasn’t even Gordon’s room.

The realization of where he was began to sink in as Benrey woke up more. Of course there was no Gordon here. This wasn’t his apartment. Benrey didn’t live there anymore. He slowly pulled his knees to his chest as the emptiness set in. This room didn’t even feel like home. Benrey knew it was his room, and everything in it was his, but there was a disconnect. He might have gained back most of his memories of his life as Benny, but was that even who he was anymore?

All Benrey wanted was to hear Gordon’s voice. He wanted to hold him close and listen to his heartbeat. He missed the warmth of his skin, his gentle touch, the loving kisses to his temple. Gordon had been the only good thing in his life and now he was gone. It just wasn’t fair. Benrey had been made to play the role of a villain for so long and he had thought that by coming to the real world he would be free of that curse, but he still was forced to be something he wasn’t. 

Benrey got up from the bed and crept out into the main room heading towards the kitchen. He glanced at the clock as he entered the kitchen. It was two forty five in the morning. Tommy was definitely asleep and Benrey wished he was too. Although, he really didn’t want to end up in another nightmare. Maybe if he could just get himself calmed down and then go back to bed, there would be no more nightmares. Benrey had been having nightmares every single night since moving back in with Tommy. He had them back with Gordon, yes, but not this frequently. It was exhausting.

Benrey opened the refrigerator and pulled out the carton of orange juice. He opened it up and began drinking from it. He had taken a few gulps of it when he heard the floor creak behind him. He nearly spit out the juice back into the carton as he turned around in surprise, expecting to find a sleepy and possibly angry Tommy. Instead, he found Sunkist watching him curiously.

“Fuck, girl, you gave me a heart attack,” Benrey said with a chuckle. Sunkist tilted her head. Benrey closed the carton and put it back in the fridge. He ruffled Sunkist’s ears.

“Ain’t you supposed to be sleepin’ with Tommy right now? Why are you awake?” Benrey asked. Sunkist lifted her ears looking right at him.

“Yeah, you’re right. I should be asleep too. Well, since we’re both up, why don’t we do something together, Sunkist?” Benrey asked. Sunkist wagged her tail in response. Benrey wished that Sunkist actually could talk. Benrey had only just met this Sunkist a few days ago, but he felt like he had known her for years. There was a deep love already in his heart for this dog. 

Benrey walked back to his room with Sunkist on his heels and changed into jeans. He threw on a hoodie that was in his closet and pulled on his boots. There were many different outfits and sneakers from Benny’s life that Benrey could have worn and he did try them for the most part, but he’d never give up his boots. Benrey pulled on his chullo and went out into the main room again grabbing Sunkist’s harness and leash. 

“Where are you going?”

Benrey spun around to find Tommy in his pajamas at the end of the hall. 

“Oh, I uh, couldn’t sleep. Sunkist couldn’t either. Thought I’d uh, take her for a walk, ya know?” Benrey said. 

“Gimmie a few minutes and I’ll go with you,” Tommy said. He turned and headed back towards his room before Benrey could say anything. He hadn’t wanted to wake Tommy, but apparently he and Sunkist did everything together. Benrey carefully slipped the harness onto Sunkist and buckled it into place. As he attached the leash to the back loop, Tommy returned fully dressed.

Without a word between them, the two men headed out of the apartment and into the quiet night. They walked along the sidewalk in the neighborhood neither wanting to break the silence. Benrey didn’t know what to say to Tommy. Should he apologize for waking him up? Had he woken up Tommy on other nights without knowing? Benrey held onto the leash a bit tighter trying to focus on Sunkist as his thoughts began to overtake him.

“So you couldn’t sleep?” Tommy asked. 

“Huh wuh?”

“You said you couldn’t sleep,”

“Oh, right. Yeah, uh, had a nightmare.”

“You’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately. Is it the move that’s bothering you?”

“I uh, I’ve had them before. Got..uh, lotsa problems,” Benrey tapped his temple. “Up here, ya know? Totally not a great cool. Zero outta ten would not fuckin’ recommend, bro. Gordo thought I needed uh, like..a shrink or somethin’. Just bad memories, bro. Wasn’t even real.”

“Benny, what happened?” Tommy asked, concerned.

“Game made me a big bad. Replaced the real one. Guess that’s why everyone thought I was bad right away. Programmed into ‘em. Feetman had to fight me at the end. Lotsa guns ‘n shootin’. I..I don’t like talkin’ about it,” Benrey had to stop himself as the familiar feeling crept into him again. If he stopped now, he’d be fine. Tommy didn’t need to see a freak out.

“They..they shot you?” Tommy asked. “Y-You were okay, right?”

“I guess, yeah. Felt it though. Hurt like shit. Died a lotta times before too. Shot, crushed, thrown, burned. Shit hurt. Respawned fine though. Had to keep annoyin’ Feetman.” Benrey chuckled thinking of their time in Black Mesa. He hadn’t liked Gordon’s anger, but he had quite enjoyed getting under his skin and making him focus on only Benrey.

“You r-really like Mr. Freeman, don’t you?”

“Yeah. Makes me feel good inside. He’s like, my player two.”

“Did you have nightmares when you were at his place?”

“Sometimes. Not as often.” 

Tommy looked away letting the conversation die out. Benrey felt like Tommy deserved to know what happened in that game. After all, there had been a version of Tommy there with them, but that wasn’t the same person. This Tommy had no memory of what had happened, what had been said, or how Gordon and Benrey felt towards him because of that AI version. It was unfair to keep this from him, but it hurt so much to talk about it. 

If only Gordon was here to explain everything. He was really good at keeping a clear head and explaining things. Gordon was just good at everything unlike Benrey. What good could Benrey actually do? He had been unhelpful then and was unhelpful now. 

“I’ve heard you at night,” Tommy said. Sunkist stopped to sniff a patch of grass as Benrey looked at him surprised.

“What? Fuck, guess my nightmares are worse than I thought. Sorry, bro-”

“You cry at night, Benny. You miss Mr. Freeman, don’t you?”

Well, fuck.

Benrey opened his mouth to reply, to brush off the comment because epic gamers didn’t need sappy romance or other people to be epic, that he was totally fine on his own, but he shut it as he realized those were all lies. He did miss Gordon. He missed Gordon every single second of the day. 

“How’d you know?” Benrey asked.

“You’ve just seemed so miserable since moving in,” Tommy said. “At first I just thought it was you trying to get used to being back and because of being gone for so long, but I’ve heard you at night crying about and I just kinda put it together.”

“Damn, you really are smart, Tommy. Figured me right the fuck out, bro. You got all the cheat codes to figurin’ out the inner mind of Benrey, huh? Mister smart cookie? Always knew you were smart. Pro-gamer strats you got there, Mr. Coolatta”

“Wh….Coolatta?” Tommy asked, utterly confused.

“Yeah? That’s you? Tommy Coolatta.”

“My name is Tommy Cornell.”

Benrey’s brain nearly short circuited. That wasn’t right. That just wasn’t right. Was it? No, it was definitely Coolatta! Right? Benrey remained frozen as he tried to make sense of this new information, even as Sunkist tugged on her leash wanting to walk more. 

“Benny?” Tommy asked. He waved a hand in front of Benrey’s face. “Are you alright?”

“Real world is confusing, bro.” Benrey shook his head trying to clear his thoughts. He felt Sunkist tugging on her leash and started walking again. She happily began to trot down the sidewalk, her fluffy tail swishing back and forth. Even in the darkness, Sunkist looked like a walking ball of sunshine and happiness. 

“Uh, anyways, I’ve been thinking and maybe, maybe it would be better if you weren’t living here?” Tommy said. 

“Are you kicking me out?” Benrey asked. “Damn, I didn’t think I’d get annoying that fast. Kinda not surprised, but had a lil more faith. Annoying speedrun champion Benrey.”

“No! No, nothing like that! I promise! I just mean,” Tommy rubbed his upper arm nervously. “Because of you being all sad and what not, maybe it’s better if you lived with Mr. Freeman and not with me, you know? You like him a whole lot and he also seemed awful sad when he left. I don’t like seeing you sad, and knowing he’s sad too isn’t good. He did a really good thing letting me know you were okay.”

“But what about having me back? You waited ten years, Tommy,” Benrey said.

“I know, but at least now I know you’re okay and alive. I know what happened now. You’re still here.” Tommy said with a sweet smile.

“Tommy, I don’t think I’m really the same person you remember. I’m Benrey. I don’t remember Benny’s life or who he really was. I have some really foggy memories of things and maybe I’ll remember more in time, but like, that’s not me anymore, bro.” Benrey felt awful. Tommy had been so kind to him and he couldn’t even be the person he wanted and needed. He had destroyed Tommy’s life by selfishly leaving and now that he had returned, he was selfishly denying him again. What a great fucking friend.

“That’s alright.”

“What?”

Tommy took the leash from Benrey’s hand and smiled. “I said, that’s alright. I know what happened now, and even if Benny Harris is gone for good, that just means I get the opportunity to get to know Benrey and become your friend and there's nothing more exciting than that!”

“Bro..”

“I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable, Benrey. Tomorrow morning, after we get some sleep, I’ll drive you back over to Mr. Freeman’s place. You still have a place here any time you want, of course, but I think you belong with him.” 

Benrey stared at him in shock before a huge smile spread on his face. He laughed and hugged Tommy tightly.

“Bro!” Benrey laughed. Tommy laughed as well and awkwardly tried to hug Benrey in return. Sunkist went around them eagerly, tying them up with her leash. Her tail was wagging at the sound of happy laughter. 

All of Benrey’s worries and fears had for the moment completely flown out the window. Tommy wasn’t angry with him and he was going to see Gordon again. God, Benrey could already imagine jumping into those arms and being held close while Benrey stole kiss after kiss from Gordon’s lips. The duo started heading back towards the apartment so they could get back to sleep, but honestly, Benrey wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to sleep tonight. He would be too busy thinking of the return of his sweet Gordon.


	14. His Touch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are at the end. What started as a self indulgent fix-it for a one off that I loved ended up snowballing into a full AU fic. Thank you all for the love that this has been receiving. It means so much to me. 
> 
> You can see more of my hlvrai work on my tumblr @dannyvhs. Keep yer peepers peeped for more Frenrey stories bein' posted here.
> 
> Thank you to dumb-incorporations and rainbowchocolatedinosaur on tumblr for beta reading when possible and helping me with the plot. Y'all seriously are the real mvp's here
> 
> Love y'all, stay safe, and don't forget your passports. <3

Gordon’s eyes opened as his alarm blared from the nightstand. His eyes still felt heavy as if he hadn’t slept. He rolled over and shut off the alarm before laying on his back staring up at the ceiling. The apartment was quiet. His bed was empty other than himself. There was no sleepy security guard laying on his chest. No fast running feet of Joshua hurrying to wake him up for breakfast. Everyone was gone.

Gordon Freeman was alone once again.

For a moment, Gordon considered rolling over and going right back to bed. After all, there was no reason to get up anymore. No one was relying on him, he had no one to see, nothing to do. He didn’t even feel like trying to start up a new video game, and if he went back into Black Mesa to see the Science Team it would just remind him of recent events. 

In the end, Gordon laid in bed for another ten minutes before he forced himself to get up and make coffee. He couldn’t keep lying around like this. It wasn’t good for his mental health. He had to keep telling himself that Benrey wasn’t really gone. He was just living one town over with Tommy. He could see him any time, but it wasn’t the same. Gordon missed the closeness. He missed feeling Benrey’s warm body against him at night. 

Gordon started the coffee maker standing alone in his kitchen in his boxers and tee shirt. He wanted to feel Benrey’s arms around him from behind as Benrey asked what he was doing and teased him for needing coffee in the morning. Gordon honestly never thought he’d admit it, but he missed Benrey’s constant teasing and shitty gamer talk. It was annoying, sure, but there was something endearing about it. It was part of who Benrey was after all.

Gordon sighed and took his mug once it finished. He blew on it and sipped at it. Even the delicious taste of coffee could not fill the emptiness inside of Gordon’s chest. Maybe he could call Tommy and see if he could visit them today or tomorrow. Seeing Benrey again would definitely help the heartache. 

Gordon put his coffee on the counter and went into the bathroom to continue getting ready for the day, even if he really had nowhere to go and nothing to do. He brushed his hair and put it up in a ponytail before stopping and looking at himself. He sighed.

“God, Gordon, how pathetic are you?” He asked his reflection. “Benrey moves a town over and you’re acting like some lovesick school girl. He’s not gone he’s just…”

_ Happier living with someone else. _

Why did the idea of him living with Tommy bother him so much? Tommy was a sweet man and there was no reason to feel jealous of him, although Gordon wasn’t sure what he was feeling was jealousy. He wasn’t stuck on the idea of Benrey leaving him for Tommy or liking Tommy romantically. 

What he was stuck on was the idea that Benrey was happier being in Tommy’s presence rather than Gordon’s. Was it that Gordon didn’t have a room specifically for Benrey? Was it because of Benrey and Tommy having a past friendship? None of this made sense anymore. Benrey shouldn’t have even been in his life to begin with. Putting yourself into a video game and then crawling out of someone’s computer still made no logical sense. 

The last couple of weeks made no logical sense to Gordon, but he wouldn’t change them. He had no regrets about falling in love with Benrey. It was one of the greatest decisions he had ever made. He had made the decision when Benrey was merely pixels on a screen and Gordon had accepted that he would never properly hold the security guard in his arms, so why now did it hurt so bad to be without him?

Because now he knew Benrey was real. He knew what Benrey’s skin felt like. What his lips felt like. He knew that Benrey’s arms felt like home. Gordon had never believed in the idea of soul mates before, but now he was convinced. Benrey fit into his life perfectly like the missing puzzle piece that was made specifically for Gordon. It seemed so cliche to think about like some kind of cheesy romance movie, but he couldn’t deny how he felt. 

Gordon finished up in the bathroom, retrieved his coffee, and sat on the couch. He turned on the tv to hopefully drown out his thoughts with the news or whatever doctor show was playing. He just needed something to get his mind off all this for a couple minutes. However, Gordon wasn’t given that peace as the doorbell rang. He sighed and put his coffee down before getting up and going to the door. 

_ Probably the mailman. _ Gordon thought bitterly. He opened the door to find not the mailman, but a sudden surprise hug. Gordon was knocked back some as he tried to keep his balance. Firmly attached to him now was Benrey and behind him out in the hallway was Tommy.

“Benrey?” Gordon asked in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

Benrey looked up at him smiling from ear to ear. “I’m moving back in, mother fucker!”

“Wh-What!?” Gordon stuttered. He looked to Tommy, then back to Benrey a few times trying to confirm this statement. Tommy just simply nodded with a smile. Gordon looked back to Benrey as he smiled. A laugh rolled out of his throat, then another. Gordon wrapped his arms around Benrey tightly hugging him as he laughed more. Benrey joined him in the laughter and Gordon picked him up in his arms, spinning himself and Benrey around.

“You’re definitely not joking?” Gordon asked as he put Benrey down.

“Look, Feetman, I love fucking with you, but I wouldn’t joke about this, bro.” Benrey said. “You ain’t gettin’ fuckin’ rid of me that easily, Feetman!”

“Why would I ever want to get rid of you?” Gordon asked, gently cupping Benrey’s cheek. “I missed you so badly. It wasn’t the same without you.”

“Yeah, uh, it was kinda not cool bein’ alone,” Benrey said. “Kinda missed your stupid face and uh, didn’t like waking up alone. Nightmares were pretty bad by myself.”

“Well, you’ll never be alone again,” Gordon promised. He turned to look at Tommy. “Thank you for bringing him, Tommy. I know it’s probably hard to watch him go again.”

Tommy shook his head, still smiling. “Oh not at all! Benrey and I had a whole talk about it, Mr. Freeman! He seemed so sad without you and I’d hate for him or you to be upset. I think it’s better that you two are together. Besides, we’re still all friends! You and Benrey might not live with me, but that doesn’t mean I’ll never see you guys again!”

“Damn right you won’t!” Gordon said. He motioned with his hand for Tommy to come over to the two of them. Tommy eagerly hurried over and Gordon pulled him into a three person hug. Gordon hugged them both close as warm fuzziness filled his chest. The emptiness was disappearing. 

“Thank you,” Gordon said softly “God, thank you so much.”

“You don’t think I’d come back?” Benrey asked moving back from the hug to look at Gordon. 

“Well, I mean, you and Tommy were best friends before and you had a past life with him and at that game company. I thought you’d want to go back to that now that you’re in the real world,” Gordon said with a shrug.

“Gordon, I’d trade all of my past life in a heartbeat if it meant I had the chance to hug you again. I said it before, you are stuck with me for the rest of your life. I won’t stop following you until the day I’m deleted,”

Benrey leaned forward and gently kissed Gordon’s lips. Gordon wrapped his arms around Benrey kissing him in return. It felt right. It felt perfect. Gordon felt whole again. All he had ever wanted in life was to be able to reach through that VR headset and kiss Benrey for real, and now Gordon finally could. He could kiss Benrey as many times as he wanted and hold him in his arms. 

“I love you,” Gordon whispered, pressing his forehead against Benrey’s.

“I love you too,” Benrey whispered back. He gently kissed Gordon again, draping his arms over Gordon’s shoulders. His lips were so soft and perfect against Gordon’s. Benrey’s touch was the greatest thing in this cruel world and every small bit of touch filled Gordon with love both for Benrey and from Benrey.   
Gordon had no idea what was in store for them now that the whirlwind had finally begun to die down around them. All he knew was that Benrey was real. He was real and he was here in Gordon’s arms again where he belonged. They had both tried to find their escape from the real world in VR, only to find each other. It was some kind of weird twist of fate if that was even a thing. Gordon definitely wasn’t complaining. He wasn’t alone anymore. 

And Gordon never was again.


End file.
